The Big Kipper

Twins early season

2008-04-02T22:55:00.002-05:00

Get used to more of these (http://mlb.mlb.com/news/gameday_recap.jsp?ymd=20080402&content_id=2484423&vkey=recap&fext=.jsp&c_id=min&partnered=rss_min) ... until the Twins fire Gardenhire and Vavra.

I'm beating the drum. The beat goes something like this...

Fire Gardenhire!!! We can't win without a cohesive offense!!! Fire Vavra!!! Morneau can collect more than 35 RBIs if somebody who bats in front of him thinks about getting on base instead of hitting a home run!!!

It's catchy.

Copyright thebigkipper.blogspot.com 2008

Conservative vs. Stupid

2008-02-20T23:11:00.003-05:00

In one of the great articles I've seen .... well, OK, today.

http://www.thegreenguide.com/blog/freshfinds/1125

The "Going Green is Easier than You Think" blog, linked from the National Geographic's webpage (I was only there because I have the NG "picture of the day" on my Google homepage), is a perfect example of the basic difference between Conservatives and, well, my title betrays my true feelings.

This particular posting showcases the "eco-friendly", reusable grocery bags that you can buy which both are made of organic cotton (although why I care whether my groceries are transported for 4 and a half minutes in organic cotton more than plastic is not explained) and allow me to showcase my preference for either Barack, Hillary, or Republican. As the posting says, "Whether voting democratic, republican or even free-spirited independent, you can always vote reusable." And then it adds the minor caveat that, whichever political preference you choose, the bag will set you back $25.

So what's the point? Charging me $25 for a service (grocery transportation) that I already receive for free without having to remember to stop at home and pick up before I go to the store is not the "honor" I willingly accept. My wife received a cheap book bag as some sort of gift/reward or whatever at work, and she brought it home and has, when she remembers, used it as a grocery bag. BUT NOT BECAUSE SHE THINKS SHE'S SAVING THE WORLD. The difference between us and stupid people (because let's face it, that's what you all are who would spend $25 on a piece of canvas) is that we are more than willing to "go green" when it doesn't cost us a hassle or $25. We go green because it's (first) convenient and (in a distant second) eco-friendly. Stupid people go green because (primarily) it makes them feel like they're better than everyone else and (secondary) it's eco-friendly. If they really wanted to be eco-friendly, I can guarantee that those organic cotton bags are not a very "energy efficient" product, and that there are thousands of other items that could effectively carry groceries from the store to home, while you could take that $25 and donate it to "save the gray whales" or something equally stupid.

Everyone loses ... except Johan Santana and the Mets

2008-01-30T07:59:00.001-05:00

OK, so only the Twins lose. Thank you Bill Smith (who called it?). Continuing in the winning tradition of Twins GMs set by Terry Ryan, yesterday Smith got four grade A- prospects for the best pitcher in baseball.

It was a losing situation from the beginning: Santana was unhappy, management wasn't smart enough to reach out to him during the season to give him a reason for future hope, and so he publicly expressed his frustration, making it clear that he wanted to be traded. Instead of quickly resolving the situation as soon as the season was over, Smith tried to hold out for something better.

The problem being, of course, was that all other GMs knew Santana was motivated to leave, that he was in the last year of his contract, and that if they just waited a year, they could have him without giving something significant. He being a Twin and the Twins being the B-grade club they have been under the current front office, Gardenhire, and genius hitting coach Joe Vavra, it wasn't like Santana is a great risk to anyone's 2008 playoff hopes. Ergo, no one wanted to play ball --- as the months dragged on, they knew Smith would be more desperate to get rid of Santana (keeping him was not an option: Santana has already proven himself, so there's no reason for him to push himself in 2008 as a Twin; and Smith had to get something to justify losing Santana). Therefore, January ends and the Twins take a bunch of very good (but let's face it, no A.Rod-type) prospects, Johan will get $25 million, and the Mets replace Glavine with a younger and fresher arm, and a legitimate run at the playoffs.

The only question remains is Nathan. I stated (see point 1) at the end of last season that the big questions facing the Twins were whether Hunter, Santana and Nathan were signed to long-term deals by spring training. Hunter's contract expired and he walked (as predicted), Santana was traded (I predicted he wouldn't be resigned), and Nathan's status remains unresolved. Nathan has indicated that he wants to stay in Minnesota, so I would expect Smith to ignore this as well, wait until mid-summer when he realizes (for again mysterious (see point 2) reasons (see point 2) that yet again we're going nowhere, and then scramble to try and trade Nathan away before July 30.

As I stated last fall, promoting Bill Smith was a big mistake (see point 3).

I like referencing myself, especially when I was right.

Call Me When You're Ready to Talk About Matt Kemp

2007-12-14T11:06:00.000-05:00

Dodgers Offer Twins Moon, Stars For Johan Santana

NASHVILLE, TN—Dodgers GM Ned Colletti announced Monday that although he has nothing to offer in the way of financial or material wealth, he...

I might be getting a new HDTV soon

2007-10-24T22:13:00.001-05:00

Cause if I have to watch the world series guy on FOX's commercial break one more time, I'm gonna punch my TV.

Apple

2007-10-05T22:13:00.001-05:00

Date Of Apple Backlash Set For March 21, 2008

NEW YORK—In the face of Apple, Inc.'s 3- billionth iTunes sale and soaring stock price, some Wall Street forecasters are predicting that...

My advice, sell! sell! sell!

Game

2007-10-05T15:33:00.000-05:00

I need help. Solve the following number riddle. I don't know how

1 11 21 1211 111221

If you can do it, you're a lot smarter than me and some astrophysicist.

Season Ending Notes

2007-09-30T16:46:00.000-05:00

With the season done today, and not a day soon enough for our beloved, hapless Twins, here are a few things to dwell on over the winter:

1) Free agency. Will Torii Hunter come back, and will the new GM Bill Smith get Santana and Nathan re-signed before spring training? The answer, in my estimate is no, no and yes. Although I'd like it to be no, yes and yes, I don't think the Twins have enough cash to get Santana to stay, which is what it would take after this disappointing year. Can't blame Santana - he wants to win, and it's not him being selfish to say that it's not going to happen in Minnesota in the next couple of years. I'm happy to let Torii Hunter go, because it will free up some cash, but the trouble is that Minnesota doesn't look to appealing to a Grade-A free agent. If (and when) Santana and Hunter sign elsewhere, why would anyone think, "hmmm..... I'll go to Minnesota now!"

2) Again, Gardenhire must stop bitching and moaning. First, it's that everyone kept talking about Hunter and Santana and so..... he couldn't coach anymore. Next (in a story released by the Twins on the same day), it's that we lost three one-run games to Detroit after the All-Star break and couldn't regroup. While I agree that that is when things fell apart, I don't agree those three games were why things fell apart. Secondly, everyone knew you should have solved the issues with Hunter and Santana before the season started, but Terry Ryan didn't do it.

3) At least we have Joe Mauer. Let's end this season with a positive note:

Joe Mauer's season had appeared to be finished after he played three innings during the rain-shortened series finale at Detroit.

Manager Ron Gardenhire said he didn't want to push the injury issue with his catcher and felt Mauer might, at best, see a pinch-hit situation during the series at Boston. But the catcher pleaded his case to the skipper to let him catch Carlos Silva's final game of the season and secured himself a start behind the plate for Saturday's game.

One of the goals for Silva was to pitch 200 innings this season. He entered Saturday's start having thrown 196, just four shy of the mark. Mauer just wanted to make sure he reaches it.
"The couple days off that I've had has helped out a lot," Mauer said of his leg troubles. "I still don't feel too great. But I feel a lot better than I did say a week ago. Basically I'm just going out there and trying to help Silva out."

Notes from Albany

2007-09-16T20:30:00.000-05:00

Lying in an Albany hotel bed, watching the Yankees - Red Sox game, a few thoughts cross my mind:

1. Joe Morgan and John wutshisname really need to find something else to talk about: if I have to listen to another discussion about whether this is the Rocket's last game at Fenway ever, I"m going to flip. I'll answer the question for you: NO. It's not his last game ever. The Yankees will sign him again next year for another $25 million, and if they don't, someone else will. Oh shit, - unless he breaks his ankle sliding into first base while beating out the runner. Nope, he's OK. Maybe the Twins will sign him. Ha! Also, Joe Morgan has said "Joba" about 47 times in the last inning and a half. My bets are that it has less to do with his impressive major league debut, and more to do with the fact that it's superfun to say "Joba."

2. The Twins are coming up with some really horrible excuses for sucking so badly. Morneau can't hit because of a mental obstacle put up from participating in the home run derby (in JULY), and Gardenhire is fixated on Casilla showing up a mere two hours before game time because he doesn't know how to work his cell phone. Here's a hint: neither of these guys can hit because their hitting coach IS JOE VAVRA!!!!

3. Disappointing news that Terry Ryan will be replaced internally (by current assistant GM Bill Smith). After missteps from the front office, including the failure to lock Santana and Morneau (plus Cuddyer and A+ closer Joe Nathan) into long term contracts before this season started, will cost the Twins good players. A fresh face would provide a better impetus for these stars to stay beyond the end of their contracts. Bringing in a high-powered GM would let these players know that Minnesota is serious about finally putting together a team that will contend beyond the first round in October.

That's all for today.

Three Months

2007-09-14T16:07:00.001-05:00

Wow. It doesn't seem like it's been three months, but apparently is has. So sorry, but I have been a bit preoccupied with something else.

So, have I mentioned to you my favorite blog of all time? It's like The Sports Guy is to Flash, except at the end I end up looking slightly more homosexual because mine has nothing to do with sports, but rather the relationship between a British guy and his German girlfriend. Anyways, the blog is called "Things My Girlfriend and I have Argued About". The address is... wait for it .... www.thingsmygirlfriendandihavearguedabout.com. It's absolutely brilliant. I use it as a model for what I wish I could write like, but sadly, cannot

Anyways, that's all for today. I'm adding it to the sidebar for your convenience, and recommend it for all you newlyweds out there.....

It's a new blog...

2007-06-16T23:54:00.001-05:00

all to say, I've finally figured it out:

Kelly on "the office" = a-rod.

purple lips. or maybe it's just their ethnicity. either way..... purple lips.

Maybe it's the six beers talking

2007-06-07T21:46:00.000-05:00

But these comparisons actually sound legit.....

Sammy Sosa struck out four times in a game for the 17th time in his career. Only Bo Jackson with 19 four strike out games and Reggie Jackson with 23 have more in baseball history.

On June 1, Matt Moriss had 3 hits at the plate before he gave up his first hit to the Phillies/

Oakland's Mark Ellis hit for the cycle, something that Willie Mays, Hank Aaron, Barry Bonds and Babe Ruth never did.

Luis Castillo's errorless streak ended at 143 games. In between his errors at second base, the Rangers' Ian Kinzler made 29 errors at second base.

The Phillies' Shane Victorino recorded his ninth outfield assist of the season. Two more, and he'll have as many assists had Manute Bol had in 82 games during the 1986-87 season. (Ahhhhhh........ Manute Bol. I never heard of him before "Baseball Tonight" tonight, but now, being a resident of DC, I can finally appreciate just how appropriate the DC team's old moniker was. I wonder if there was a street saying: "Live for the Bullets. Die by the bullet". On second thought, that's way too clever for the guys smoking weed outside my door).

- Credit "Baseball Tonight", 7 June 2007

Why Are A-Rod's' Lips Purple?

2007-06-03T21:58:00.000-05:00

Next time you're watching a Red Sox-Yankees game, which is all that seems to be on ESPN this year, let me know if you can figure out why A-Rod's lips look like he's about to succumb to the extremities when it's still 54 at 11 pm.

Early June Twins Analysis

2007-05-31T20:28:00.000-05:00

OK, I started this almost two weeks ago, so it's a little outdated, but enjoy.....

With 55 games down, and 107 to go, now seems like a good time to give you.....

The Top 5 Reasons Not to Worry About the Twins,

AND

The Top 5 Reasons the Twins are done.

First, the glass is half full of Goose and tonic:

1. First is the most obvious reason to calm your stomach with a little bit of tonic. In recent years, the Twins are a shitty first half team. However, in 2003, 2005 and of course, last year, the team comes out of the All Star break with their head screwed on straight. As of tonight, the Twinkies are one game above .500, better than most of the past years at this point. In 2006, on June 10 we were 27-34, 11.5 games back from the wild card. This while Mauer and Morneau were having career years, which they are not right now. As long as we stick close to .500 through the break and this team will rally like they always do in August and September.

2. We've got hitting talent, and it will come together for the hitters. Let's face it: with Morneau, Mauer, Hunter and Cuddyer, we know we've got solid middle of the lineup hitting talent. But what about Luis Castillo, Scott Bartlett, Rondell White, Nick Punto, and the rest of the line-up? These are all solid players who have proven that they can hit. They're not all doing it now, but when Mauer's healthy and the other leaders start hitting, these guys will follow.

3. Pitching, pitching, pitching..... is awesome! Everyone (myself included) was skeptical about our starting rotation at the beginning of the season. Everyone knew that the number one slot was filled and unstoppable. From there, however, things got murkier. Boof Bonser had a good August and September, but that might have been a fluke. Ramon Ortiz and Carlos Silva ended last season with typical mediocrity. Brad Radke retired, and so some guy named Sidney Ponson would fill the fifth slot.

Surprise! After a mediocre start, Boof Bonser is 4-0 in his last four starts, and 4-1 with a 3.61 ERA overall. Silva has been less successful, but is still posting a solid 3.86 ERA in spite of his 3-6 record. Ortiz has been disappointing, but not disastrous, and was moved to the bullpen last week, while Ponson was shipped back to AAA for more seasoning. The last slot is still up for grabs, and Scott Baker looks like he has some promise.

What doesn't require discussion are Johan Santana and the bullpen. Santana's 6-5 record is a reflection on the lack of mustard in Twins' bats, not his ability. Joe Nathan is on track for another decent year with 12 saves. Rincon, Miller and Guerrier round out the bullpen, and when Jesse Crain returns from his inuries, baseball's best pen will be in full form.

4. Best of all, the Twins are playing in a division where nobody else is performing particularly well. We're six games back from Cleveland, and 3.5 back from the Tigers, who comfortably hold the wild card slot. Cleveland comeds out great every year and we all hear about how "this is their year", but the All-Star break always appears to be the break that they didn't need, and they'll trip over themselves and settle down to .500 by mid-August. The Tigers, on the other hand, haven't performed up to post-2006 expectations.

Next, the glass is half empty, and what's in there is the next morning's urine:

1. Swinging our bats like shit.

2. Pitchers are too inexperienced and/or inconsistent.

3. Mauer's hurt ... again.

Rehashing Old Rosters

2007-05-20T17:30:00.000-05:00

In the words of Flash,

"Sid Bream is one goofy mother f*****."

Another Poll!

2007-05-20T11:24:00.000-05:00

OK, this one's borderline:

"In the past nine days, four teams have scored five or more runs to come back in the bottom of the ninth inning. Since 1900, the most times this has happened in a season in six.

May 17 - Mets v. Cubs
May 13 - Athletics v. Indians
May 13 - Red Sox v. Orioles
May 12 - Nationals v. Marlins"

- Sportscenter, 20 May 2007

This one does have an air of legitimacy to me. Pretty interesting stuff, but we'll leave it to the readers to decide:

On a similar note, here's another. From the same Sportscenter:

"Longest All-Time Win Streaks on a Single Surface:

81 on Clay by Nadal
75 on Indoor by John McEnroe
56 on Hard by Federer
48 on Grass by Federer

Nadal's 81-match win streak was snapped Sunday by Federer"

The Subject of Many Discussions

2007-05-13T18:25:00.000-05:00

but the first subject of its own blog........

Cubs-Phillies series:

"In each game of this series, the last names of each starting pitcher started with the same letter as his opponent.
Hill vs. Hamels
Guzman vs. Garcia
Lilly vs. Lieber

*Happened for 3rd time in last 25 years."

- Source: Baseball Tonight, 13 May 2007

WTF?

I'm going to give Flash posting privileges because we often talk about the poor college intern chained to a desk in the back of ESPN's studio trying to come up with his weekly quota of this shit, and I'm sure that he can give you some more examples.

Also, I just ordered Little Big League on Half.com just so I can listen to fictional Twins broadcaster Wally Holland (played by actual Twins play-by-play commentator John Gordon) discuss a player's batting average against left handed pitchers faced at home for the first time in the last month of the season, and of course, yell "Touch 'em all, Mickey Scales!"

Gotta go .... Twins v. Tigers coming on now on ESPN, and so we're going to see if Boof can prevent a sweep.

Windows Vista Review at 18 Hours

2007-05-13T14:52:00.000-05:00

I installed Windows Vista Home Premium edition last night, and here's my review after 18 hours of it.

1. I got this laptop from Dell in December, and it came with a free "express upgrade" kit to Windows Vista. I got the upgrade CD a few weeks ago, but because of school, waited until now to install it. Anyways, Dell sends an "Updgrade Assistant" DVD with the Vista O/S DVD to prepare the computer for the upgrade. It takes you through 4 steps, including 3 steps in which it removes programs that are incompatible with Windows Vista. Not surprisingly, most of these programs were free programs Dell packs onto your computer when they sell it to you, such as Sonic music manager, Roxio CD creator, etc. However, one of the programs is my wireless internet card manager. So the, upgrade assistant uninstalls it, and on the very next step says that it needs to connect to the internet.

2. I love the start-up sounds. Start-up sounds kick ass, especially when you're in the library. I always disable all Windows sounds, because, like most everyone, I hate the "doo.... do do, doo doo" of Windows XP. Luckily, Vista has a different start-up sound and whole host of new Windows sounds that are automatically enabled. After the fifth time of hearing them from all the automatic restarts that are required, I went to my Control Panel, searched for a few minutes for the "sounds" management console, and clicked "No Sounds". A pop-up immediately appeared, asking me if I was sure I wanted to disable all sounds. NO! Bill Gates screams. NOBODY would want to deprive themselves of a water droplet sound question, a thumb against the cheek popping sound, etc. all at the same time!
Next time Windows started, I got the same fucking start up sound! I reopened the "sounds" console, doublechecked that I had selected the "no sounds" scheme, and just about lost it when I saw that you have to uncheck an additional box which says "Play Windows Startup Sound". Surely "No Sounds" doesn't mean you wouldn't want to hear the ultra-futuristic jingle every time you start your computer. I mean, what are you, a barbarian?

3. LaFawnduh's making me go to the grocery store. I am going to make her use Windows Vista when we get home.

Celebrity Jeopardy

2007-05-08T10:16:00.000-05:00

John Travolta, Michael Keaton and Burt Reynolds

Bill Cosby, Sharon Osbourne and Sean Connery

Jeff Goldblum

Robin Williams, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Sean Connery

I'll take anal bum cover for 1000.

Finally, probably the best one of all time: Sean Connery, French Stewart and Burt Reynolds

Why don't you give me ape tit for 200?

Clemens Goes to the Yankees

2007-05-06T21:49:00.000-05:00

Today, the Yankees signed Roger Clemens to a one year deal. Clemens apparently went to the Yankees instead of the Red Sox because the Sox wanted him for the stretch and the playoffs, while the Yankees want the Rocket to come on board ASAP and save their struggling team.

According to ESPN.com, "make no mistake: he's in New York for one reason only." Exactly. No wait, try this one. Ahhh, yessssss...... here we go.

Anyways, thinking about Clemens led me to think, "Wow. When I read "I Love This Game", Kirby Puckett's auto-biography, I remember Puck talking about how he came in sixth for the 1986 MVP voting while Clemens won after a lot of talk about the possibility of Kirby winning it, in spite of the fact that the Twins sucked ass that year."

My point, in other words, is that Clemens is old as dirt, and (good for him) has apparently only aged ten years in the last twenty. On the other hand, what has Clemens done that Kirby hasn't upstaged several times?

To settle the debate once and for all, I decided we would let none other than MC Hammer to decide. Unfortunately, I realized that Clemens co-guest starred with my child-hood hero in "Too Legit 2 Quit." Alas, it will forever remain a mystery.

P.S. While Hammer's video is the subject for a blog in and of itself, what I especially enjoy here is that several of Hammer's guest athlete-stars in the music video made the "L" in the 2legittoquit handsign with their left hand so that THEY could read it, instead of with the cameras (among others, see David Robinson at 5 minutes). This reminds me particularly of The Whale from high school, who during basketball practice one day, requested that someone write Right on her right hand and Left on her left hand so she would know with which to shoot with.

If for some reason you're bored and have a lot of time

2007-05-03T10:28:00.000-05:00

Then watch these.

Video from Orizaba

2007-05-03T09:05:00.000-05:00

I was talking to Flash last night, and somehow got to thinking about my old climbing days. Unfortunately, my ass has been stuck on the ground since I moved to DC, and only occasionally off it (thanks to the Iron Man) since graduating from college.

But in December 2001/January 2002, I took a trip with some friends to Mexico and climbed Iztacihuatl and El Pico de Orizaba, the seventh and third highest peaks in North America, respectively, and the third and first highest points in Mexico. Popocatepetl, the second highest peak in Mexico whose summit lies just twenty miles from Ixta, has been closed for the past several years due to ongoing volcanic activities (Ixta and Orizaba are both dormant volcanoes, Popo has been waking up recently). In fact, while Popo was closed during our trip, it woke up for the first time in many years the morning that we summited Ixta. It had a minor "volcanic incident", meaning that it spewed up a lot of hot ash. We were sitting there, about twenty miles away, and watched ash that was thousands of degrees hot go shooting up in the air. The Geographer (a friend from college) said, sit back and enjoy the show. If the wind changes and starts blowing our way, we're fucked. So enjoy it while you can. The next day, the Mexican national park service closed climbing of Ixta, and it remained closed for most of the next several years - we were lucky to have gotten to climb it.

Anyways, this video could have been made by someone on our trip - it details almost exactly what we did. The only difference I see is that at 1:20 they are driving through the woods on the last leg from a small town (Hidalgo) up to the Orizaba base camp / hut at 15,000 feet, while we walked that distance because we got into the bigger town (Tlachichuca) ten miles down the road late at night without a place to stay, couldn't find anyone to drive us all the way to the hut, so we hired a cab to take us to Hidalgo because the town was kind of sketchy. As we were getting into the cab, The Geographer swears he heard the taxi driver saying to some other guys about "just follow me and we'll do it up there," and then we saw headlights in our rear view mirror as we were driving on the empty dirt road. Then all of the sudden the cab driver stopped the car and got out, saying something about the trunk being opened. We thought we were about to get robbed by a bunch of Mexican gangsters, but nothing ever happened...... Anyways, the point is the guys who made this video hired a reputable service to drive them all the way to the base camp, while we got dropped off in Hidalgo and then walked the six miles from Hidalgo up to where most climbers get dropped off at the hut.

Other than that one discrepancy, this is about exactly the trip that we made. I'm the guy at 1:45 who is trying to understand the Mexican police officer and laughing at what I assume to be a joke, stretching the limits of my Spanish by saying "Si, si". I imagine the conversation went something like this:

Gringo: Walking at this altitude is hard. It kind of chokes me.
Mexican Police Officer: You think that it is hard to breath here? Wait to see what our jail system is like. If you don't give me 200 pesos, you're going to spend the night in jail and they'll choke you like this! (Laughing)
Gringo: Si. (laughing) Si! How about 500 pesos?

God Help Us All

2007-05-01T23:50:00.000-05:00

Do you ever find yourself watching "America's Funniest Home Videos" late at night? I'm not talking about "America's Funniest Home Videos" in HD with the guy who hosts "Dancing with the Stars." I'm talking about early 90's, Bob Saget's wavy locks blowing in the wind saying shit like "my producers are practicing incest backstage". Those "America's Funniest Home Videos".

Well, I'm not that big of a geek, but if I were, here are some observations I would make:

1. Who the hell are these people who send in videos? The episode I am watching right shows one of the finalist: it's a middle-aged couple with their cat. Clip title: "Cat Falls Off TV". It's literally ..... well, that. But the worst part is how the people actually look. It frightens me to watch "America's Funniest Home Videos" and see a random couple from middle America, and realize that if that's what the gene pool has created, we don't have much hope for the future.
But then I remember the following exchange that reassures my faith in humans to (at a minimum) continue procreation indefinitely.
JERRY: Elaine, what percentage of people would you say are good looking?
ELAINE: Twenty-five percent.
JERRY: Twenty-five percent, you say? No way! It's like 4 to 6 percent. It's a twenty to one shot.
ELAINE: You're way off.
JERRY: Way off? Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's like a leper colony down there.
ELAINE: So what you are saying is that 90 to 95 percent of the population is undateable?
JERRY: UNDATEABLE!
ELAINE: Then how are all these people getting together?
JERRY: Alcohol.
It's true.

2. I don't have a second point. The rest of my points really revolve around how ridiculous the white trash sector of our society is. Boy with coke-bottle glasses spits on trick candles on his birthday cake. Man playing center field on softball team falls over outfield chain link fence, depantsing him as he flips over the top.

3. Oh. one more thing: Bob Saget's joke:
"You'll have to excuse me --- that's not a drum roll. It's my stomach."

Ghostride the Whip

2007-04-27T20:31:00.000-05:00

The guy in this video is totally awesome. I want him to be my BFF.

Torii Hunter's Bad Week

2007-04-27T17:57:00.000-05:00

UPDATE:

Thanks to Flash for sending me this photo to display Torii's woes:

It's been a rough few days for the Twin's number one paid player.

First, as anyone (read me) could have guessed months ago, Torii ran into trouble with the league over alcohol problems. Surprisingly, however, Hunter's trouble didn't stem from him coming to the plate drunk during his first at bat at a 1:05 pm start game ("I haven't had a drink since last night, I swear! I'm just still drunk from last night!"). Rather, he is in the spotlight this time because of a gift of four bottles of champagne to the Kansas City Royals that he owed them for ensuring the Twins ended up on top of the AL Central last year (a lot of good it did them, too). According to MLB, "Any player or person connected with a Club who shall offer or give any gift or reward to a player or person connected with another Club for services rendered ... in defeating or attempting to defeat a competing Club ... shall be declared ineligible for not less than three years."

Obviously, this isn't going to happen as the Royals have agreed to return the "unopened bottles" of Dom Perignon.

But then, last night, this happened:

Hunter thought about charging the mound, but instead fell on his ass. Oops.

On the other hand, he can always look back on better days like this one, when some random chick takes her shirt off and asks him to sign it.

Watch the look on Torii's face as the video ends. Classic.

Conclusion: Some days it's very good to be Torii Hunter. Somedays it's not.

On a side note, please check out "Thank You Brian Sabean" on the right hand side. Always looking to find Twins fans who are studying Accounting and Finance in school to become friends with. As far as I can tell, there are two of us.

The Drawbacks of HD

2007-04-22T22:52:00.000-05:00

When HD first became mainstream, I heard there were stories of actresses complaining because their minor imperfections became glaringly obvious in HD (see here, here and here).

With that in mind, I would like to present to you the top 3 sufferers of HD on ESPN:

1) Barry Melrose - in non-HD, your long, greasy mullet, disgustingly shiny forehead, and glaring pinstripe suit are tolerable. In HD, however, it makes me want to vomit, especially when you're broadcasting against the neon-bright background of the SportsCenter set.

2) John Kruk through the years of advancement in television broadcast resolution

With rabbit ears:

With analog cable:

With digital cable:

And finally, in high-def:

and finally (and most dramatically) . . .

3) Peter Gammons - just watched an after-game report by Mr. Gammons, my favorite baseball commentator. Unfortunately, Mr. Gammons has yellowed, sharpened crooked teeth, which thankfully aren't obvious in non-high-def. On the other hand, high-def has allowed me to reveal my latest installment of "Celebrity Unmasking," so that I can now reveal that Peter Gammons = the REAL Emperor of the Star Wars ..... sexlogy? That can't be right. What the hell is a six-part story? Anyways, prepare to be stunned.

And there you have it folks. Eva Longoria has nothing on these guys.

More Recuts

2007-04-22T21:22:00.000-05:00

In the genre of funny recuts of "The Office," here are some of "Office Space." Enjoy!

Attention to Details

2007-04-22T12:12:00.000-05:00

I stepped off the elevator into a strange, unexpected world. Scantily clad teenagers were gathered in groups, giggling and chatting on their cell phones about which end-of-the-weekend party they would be attending this evening. “OMG! I have been at the library all day, and seriously need to relax tonight.”

Nervously, I turned to the right to duck into the nearest study area. The sign on the door read Undergraduate Reading Room. Bewildered, I glanced at the room number: 401.

I quickly made my way to the stairs, went up a flight and entered the Graduate Reading Room, where chubby, homely-looking mid-twenties aged women glared at anything that moved.

Much better.

And Again

2007-04-21T19:09:00.000-05:00

OK, I posted this directly from YouTube, and something is wrong with YouTube, so it hasn't shown up yet here yet.

So here it is directly - the opening scene from the episode before the previous entry that I watched proving that Scrubs seasons 1-4 are better than 5 and 6.

No Video, but yes AGAIN!

2007-04-21T19:03:00.000-05:00

I couldn't find this episode's entrance on YouTube, but let's just say that it ends with J.D. and the actress Madison from Everwood in the bath washing Rowdy the stuffed dog. Awesome.

That's right, I said Madison from "Everwood." It's my favorite/only prime-time drama that I have watched since Ally McBeal, and if you post a single damned comment about it, Flash, I swear I'll cross-post an entry of FlashSpeaks AND TheBigKipper about how you like Grey's Anatomy, so that the citizens of Lima, Zengzhou, and Turkey can read all about how gay you are.

Also, I never watched Ally McBeal. I will kill anyone who says so.

Even if it was the best show on Fox in 2000-02.

What a Difference a (Few) Year(s) Make(s) ....

2007-04-21T17:03:00.000-05:00

After watching Major League, on Comedy Central, what happened to come on but an old episode of Scrubs, which is now being syndicated on aforementioned channel. Between Scrubs, Major League, and Chappelle's Show, I realized I never need to switch away from Comedy Central.

Anyways, here's the big difference between the "old" Scrubs (that I like)

and the "new" Scrubs (this is the first clip that came up when I typed in "Scrubs Season 6" into YouTube)

To review, three good laughs in the opening scene of a random "old" Scrubs 25 second clip vs. two decent laughs in the highest-rated in all of YouTube-land "new" season 6 Scrubs 41 second clip.

Again, hot pharameutical rep vs. fattened-up ex-wife of Dr. Cox. Again, "he-e-ey...", vs. "Jordan, the boy's lying to me again." Again, "No.... I'd loooooove one." vs. throwing a plate of spaghetti on a toddler.

It's still funny, but not nearly as funny as it used to be.

hehe. Jewel...... eeeee.

Here's One You Don't See Every Day ...

2007-04-20T15:15:00.000-05:00

From the BBC:

Sudan man forced to 'marry' goat
A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his "wife", after he was caught having sex with the animal.
The goat's owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders.
They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr Alifi.
"We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together," Mr Alifi said.
Mr Alifi, of Hai Malakal in Upper Nile State, told the Juba Post newspaper that he heard a loud noise around midnight on 13 February and immediately rushed outside to find Mr Tombe with his goat.
"When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up."
Mr Alifi then called elders to decide how to deal with the case.
"They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife," Mr Alifi told the newspaper.

New Google Feature

2007-04-18T09:21:00.000-05:00

I love Google! They are constantly coming up with new ways to make my life easier.

Here's a new one:

http://mail.google.com/mail/help/paper/index.html

Urgent Consultation Needed

2007-04-17T13:28:00.000-05:00

So I'm in the library working on my defense policy final paper. In it, I am to provide a short discussion of the nature of the security environment the U.S. will face in the coming 20-30 years. As discussed earlier, I argue that states will continue to pose the highest risk to American security, and irregular war / terrorism will pose a secondary yet significant threat.

The rest of the paper is an exercise in defense budgeting. I am instructed to identify $30 billion in program cuts over the next six years, and to justify their cuts while protecting certain programs that fit into my vision of the future security environment. My first two points are pretty solid: Reduce emphasis on the numerical superiority of the American armed forces by reducing by about 10% the number of aircraft carriers, attack ships and submarines, fixed wing fighter aircraft, etc., while maintaining quality (i.e. technical) superiority. In other words, we should maintain deterrence against state attacks by ensuring that the enemies know that we will be able to counter anything they throw at us with a small number of overwhelming forces. This means hitting enemy targets from hundreds of miles away, out of range of their counter-attacks, attacking with unmanned aerial vehicles, etc. rather than sending in ground troops to fight a bloody war of attrition. Secondly, continuing involvement in nuclear arms reduction and control, including reducing the number of nuclear arms in accordance with treaties with Russia (the reason we're not doing so now is because we are completing our reductions in step with Russia, which has been much slower in keeping up its end of the treaty), and slowing down funding for the national missile defense program.

These two cuts only get me to $24 billion. I can achieve another $6 billion by cutting a Pentagon program which reimburses defense contractors for 50% of all research and development costs. While my conservative side favors eliminating these ridiculous subsidies, from a pragmatic point of view, this program is in virtual lock-step with my argument that American military advantage depends on technological superior equipment. If I don't cut this program, my other options are cancelling the upgrades and new orders of fighter jets, tanks, and naval surface destroyers, or reducing the number of ground forces deployable (so that the military would be able to deploy to one "Iraq-sized" conflict, but not two).

The key to keep in mind is that this is a long-term strategic planning paper. Also, if there are any conflicts of interest, please disclose in the poll (this means you, Flash!).

As usual, vote below:

"Mr. Mullet" is a F-R-A-U-D!

2007-04-12T22:13:00.000-05:00

Someone purporting to be "Mr. Mullet" has posted on ESPN.com about the mullets in conjunction with the start of the NHL playoffs.

Once again, I am happy to expose the truth: this guy doesn't even know what a mullet is. Look at the pictures. They don't call it "Business in front, party in the back" for nothing. A mullet is a short, normal (for the time period in which it is worn) haircut in the front (i.e. everything in front of or above the ears), and gets long only on the back (behind the ears) of the head. The key component is the stark contrast in length between the front-of-head-hair and back-of-head-hair.

"Mr. Mullet," on the other hand, includes ratings of Michael Keaton and Paul McCartney's "mullets." Featuring uniform length throughout, and not even a minor difference in the two key "mullet-ness" areas, these hair styles are not, in fact, mullets, but simply wild, sexy shags.

Confusing the two is not a mere slip of tongue: it's an outright fraud.

Don't bother thanking me. I'm just doing my job.

Rough Thesis

2007-04-12T16:12:00.000-05:00

Read and comment below. This is about 3/4 of a page. Now only 14 1/4 to go.

The challenges facing American armed forces in the coming generation are uncertain, but guaranteed to be both complex and diverse. The definition of “threat” is evolving, and so the preparations that military planners must make are likewise evolving. While threats and attacks are purposely hidden by those who pose them, the job of the military planner is to prepare for the most likely and most dangerous contingencies.

If the threat to national security has changed in this age of small war and terrorism, the Global War on Terror has been the response of the United States. Yet terrorism itself does not pose a threat to this country’s national survival. While the threat of terrorism challenges American values, economic dominance, and military might, it can not destroy these assets, and it does not challenge America’s existence itself. What can seriously threaten these assets or United States existence can only be presented by a substantial state-backed military force or coalition of forces. Therefore, military planners must focus first on maintaining military supremacy, deterring would-be attackers and ensuring that any large-scale military challenge can be soundly defeated.

While this policy demotes participation in irregular military operations and countering threats by sub-state groups to a secondary role, it does not discount the seriousness of such a threat. Rather, it states that national survival is always the immediate imperative, while irregular war can damage U.S. interests only if it is sustained over a long period of time.

What to do in the Library

2007-04-12T14:17:00.000-05:00

I finished the first of four papers that is due in the next four weeks yesterday (well, practically - I still have to write the "executive summary," i.e. the only part my professor will read), and am back in the library today to work on the second. Due a week from tonight, it's a fifteen page paper defining the critical missions our military needs to prepare for in the long-term future, and what programs to cut in order to trim $30 billion from the defense budget in the next five years.

I've managed to create a rough half-page outline in the two hours I've been here, and spent the rest of the time surfing blogs, etc. I was going to give you some reading material, but in all truth, it's all been a complete waste of time. Instead, I'll tell you what's depressing:

Ernest Hemingway. I recently picked up Islands in the Stream, published post-humously by his wife. The first two hundred pages are absolutely great, and then Hemingway does this

And so I'm depressed. While I don't know Hemingway's life story, the book jacket says it's about a guy like him. If so, I'm starting to see why he killed himself.

I was sitting in the kitchen this morning, struggling with that, and for the second time in fifty pages, this happened

and so I went out onto the deck with my coffee, leaned against the railing, and prayed for it to collapse. It's just that depressing.

I won't spoil the plot for you, but if you ever want to have kids, don't read Hemingway.

Dealing with Poion Ivy

2007-04-08T15:19:00.000-05:00

Sitting here watching the Twins and White Sox, and got bored of working on my paper. I'm also itching from poison ivy, so I thought I'd do some research and post it here for your information, and also so I have a place to refer back to next time I get it.

This information is summarized from U.S. FDA's website, Outsmarting Poison Ivy and Its Cousins.

Approximately 85 percent of the population will develop an allergic reaction if exposed to poison ivy, oak or sumac, according to the American Academy of Dermatology. Usually, people develop a sensitivity to poison ivy, oak or sumac only after several encounters with the plants, sometimes over many years. However, sensitivity may occur after only one exposure.

The cause of the rash, blisters, and infamous itch is urushiol (pronounced oo-roo-shee-ohl), a chemical in the sap of poison ivy, oak and sumac plants. Because urushiol is inside the plant, brushing against an intact plant will not cause a reaction. But undamaged plants are rare. Stems or leaves broken by the wind or animals, and even the tiny holes made by chewing insects, can release urushiol.

Reactions, treatments and preventive measures are the same for all three poison plants. Avoiding direct contact with the plants reduces the risk but doesn't guarantee against a reaction. Urushiol can stick to pets, garden tools, balls, or anything it comes in contact with. If the urushiol isn't washed off those objects or animals, just touching them--for example, picking up a ball or petting a dog--could cause a reaction in a susceptible person. (Animals, except for a few higher primates, are not sensitive to urushiol.)

Urushiol that's rubbed off the plants onto other things can remain potent for years, depending on the environment. If the contaminated object is in a dry environment, the potency of the urushiol can last for decades, says Epstein. Even if the environment is warm and moist, the urushiol could still cause a reaction a year later.

Almost all parts of the body are vulnerable to the sticky urushiol, producing the characteristic linear (in a line) rash. Because the urushiol must penetrate the skin to cause a reaction, places where the skin is thick, such as the soles of the feet and the palms of the hands, are less sensitive to the sap than areas where the skin is thinner. (Not for me - this most recent outbreak includes blisters on the insides of my fingers, not just on the top of them or my hands). The severity of the reaction may also depend on how big a dose of urushiol the person got.

Because urushiol can penetrate the skin within minutes, there's no time to waste if you know you've been exposed. "The earlier you cleanse the skin, the greater the chance that you can remove the urushiol before it gets attached to the skin," says Hon-Sum Ko, M.D.

If you've been exposed to poison ivy, oak or sumac, if possible, stay outdoors until you complete the first two steps:

First, Epstein says, cleanse exposed skin with generous amounts of isopropyl (rubbing) alcohol. (Don't return to the woods or yard the same day. Alcohol removes your skin's protection along with the urushiol and any new contact will cause the urushiol to penetrate twice as fast.)
Second, wash skin with water. (Water temperature does not matter; if you're outside, it's likely only cold water will be available.)
Third, take a regular shower with soap and warm water. Do not use soap before this point because "soap will tend to pick up some of the urushiol from the surface of the skin and move it around," says Epstein.
Clothes, shoes, tools, and anything else that may have been in contact with the urushiol should be wiped off with alcohol and water. Be sure to wear gloves or otherwise cover your hands while doing this and then discard the hand covering.

If you don't cleanse quickly enough, or your skin is so sensitive that cleansing didn't help, redness and swelling will appear in about 12 to 48 hours. Blisters and itching will follow. For those rare people who react after their very first exposure, the rash appears after seven to 10 days.

Because they don't contain urushiol, the oozing blisters are not contagious nor can the fluid cause further spread on the affected person's body. The rash will only occur where urushiol has touched the skin; it doesn't spread throughout the body. However, the rash may seem to spread if it appears over time instead of all at once. This is either because the urushiol is absorbed at different rates in different parts of the body or because of repeated exposure to contaminated objects or urushiol trapped under the fingernails.

The American Academy of Dermatology recommends that people who have had severe reactions in the past should contact a dermatologist as soon as possible after a new exposure.

There are a number of OTC products to help dry up the oozing blisters, including:

aluminum acetate (Burrows solution)
baking soda
Aveeno (oatmeal bath)
aluminum hydroxide gel
calamine
kaolin
zinc acetate
zinc carbonate
zinc oxide

Desensitization, vaccines, and barrier creams have been studied over the last several decades for their potential to protect against poison ivy reactions, but none have been approved by FDA for this purpose.

The Video / Poll Blog

2007-04-07T22:13:00.000-05:00

As I stated earlier this evening, I'm bored tonight, and so watching videos on YouTube. I am particularly looking for videos of The Office, and in doing so have noticed a lot of videos featuring Jim Halpert (i.e. dedication to Jim Halpert, best of Jim Halpert, 46 seconds of Jim Halpert, the Jim Halpert effect, I love Jim Halpert). So my question is,

What's Wrong with Scrubs

2007-04-06T02:12:00.001-05:00

I'm not going to pretend anymore. Scrubs doesn't do it for me any longer. Why? In tonight's episode, while Carla is explaining to Laverne's family Laverne's situation (even though she's a nurse and a major sub-theme of Scrubs has been that doctors are the ones who bear ultimate responsibility and have intimate knowledge as to the patient's prospects for recovery), Carla is wearing an unzipped hoody sweatshirt over her scrubs. Sure, she looks uber-hot (that's my Euro side talking), but I don't care about uber-hot. It looks like the forty year old mom on King of Queens, My Wife and Two Kids, and Everybody Loves Raymond (since you're obviously too stupid to understand this, let me spell it out for you network TV executives: if the only role of a good female character like Carla is to play the duty of an "important" character while looking cute ==> I don't care about how hot a lot of make-up can make a woman look if the role can be played by another act or/ress).

And the other complaint, (I promise not to use such long sentences, but even if I did you wouldn't mind would you, you Faulkner lovers), Zach Braff = acting too cheesey, while Sarah Chalke = acting too melodramatic/serious. But Dr. Cox is still funny. But now I know why I like him - since he shaved his head, his forehead's not so shiny.

hmmmmmmmmmmmm.................... J.D. has a plan to distract Jordan from finding out Dr. Cox's plan. why do i doubt that this will work? and everybody saying goodbye to Lavernne. $2- (yes, that's two dollars even - i didn't mean twenty dollars and just hit the dash instead of the zero) says she lives.

Elliott tells a melodramatic story that I can't follow. Another surprise.

"My uterus is glowing". That's funny. Carla saying goodbye: "Thank you for being my mentor. Remember my first day? A patient was bleeding out on me, and you helped me through it. You stood by my side. Then remember what happened? You made me laugh! (giggle) For the last fifteen years, you've been my role model, but you've been my friend." Watch the scene again. The "You made me laugh" doesn't fit in.

I'm sorry - this scene just isn't compelling. Although I do like the immediate view out of Lavernne's window where she looks through the glass and sees a robot.

So she's dead.

But then.......... J.D. and Jordan scene is AWESOME! That was definitely pretty damn funny.

Worth watching for forty five minutes though? Less clear.

How to Post a Video to Blogger

2007-04-04T11:33:00.000-05:00

All right, with commenting out of the way, let's go onto the slightly more difficult task of posting a video to your own blog. Again, it's not difficult, but I've included step by step instructions and pictures.

1. Go to the YouTube home page. In the "Search" box at the top right of the screen, enter some basic parameters for what you would like to see.

2. Scroll through the videos until you find the one you would like to post.

3. Click on the video and watch it to make sure it's worth sharing with the world.

4. Now to the posting. If you would just like to post this video as a standalone blog posting, scroll to directly beneath the video and click on the button "Post Video." It will ask you which blog service you use, and your name and password. It will also default the video name as the title of the blog posting, but you can change this if you want. Voila! You are done, and the video should post in a few minutes.

5. If you would like to post a video in the middle of a blog posting (i.e. you want the video to complement something you're writing about), there is a box on the right hand side of the video that says "Embed." If you click with your left hand mouse button in the box filled with HTML code ONCE, the click Ctrl+C (i.e. copy), you will have the HTML code pasted into your clipboard.

6. Return to your open editing page and click on the "Edit Html" tab (it's next to compose). A lot of strange looking text is going to come up, but DON'T GET SCARED! Just find where in the text you want your video to appear, and click Ctrl+V (i.e. paste).

7. Return to the "Compose" tab and finish typing. When done, click "Publish," and again, Voila! You have successfully posted a video to your blog.

8. Oh, and if this still doesn't work, I would recommend migrating your "old" blogger account to the "new" blogger. I don't think you can post videos in the Old Blogger, but I'm not sure since I did it months ago. Instructions can be found here. And yes, I could have just told you that at the beginning of the blog, but then what would I have spent the last hour doing? I'll tell you what: reading for my class or working on a paper.

How To's for My Internet-Incompetent Readers

2007-04-04T11:07:00.000-05:00

There has been quite a bit of incorrect posting and confusion about Blogger's features recently. To help you incompetent people, I am posting a couple of "how-to" instruction manuals to solve your problems, complete with what I like to call "pictures", in lay-man's terms.

First off, how to post a comment.

1. Go to the latest Big Kipper posting.

2. Read it. When you finish laughing, crying, and soiling yourself, clean up and get ready to Post a Comment.

3. After the text of the document, you will see that posting's labels (which you can click on to hear my declarations on a myriad of topics), the author's tag (who wrote it and when), and then the Number of comments. Don't be intimidated; just because hundreds of people have commented before you doesn't mean you shouldn't.

4. You will see a Hyperlink in Bold Green Type which says Post a Comment. Move your mouse over it until the "Hyperlink" becomes underlined. Then Click the left mouse button.

5. Still with me? Good.

6. In the box labeled "Leave your comment," type whatever is on your mind. Don't worry that it doesn't rise to the level of intelligence, wit, and genius of the original post itself; you can never hope to attain that, but the Big Kipper is happy to read your (inferior) comments.

7. This is important. Read this step carefully. After you have entered your text into the box, either type in your Blogger identity, or choose to leave your comment anonymously (many prefer this method as it masks their stupidity, though the Big Kipper knows all and sees all), click the button "Publish Your Comment" with the left mouse key ONCE!!!!!! It is very important that you only click the button once. Clicking it multiple times will result in your comment being posted multiple times and subject you to the ridicule of other readers!!!!!!

8. You're done. Go have a margarita to reward yourself.

more news

2007-04-02T21:58:00.000-05:00

in other news, i spent half the day today talking to the guy from the security office for my internship. i believe he decided my loyalty to the united states is no longer in question, and so he said he's "forwarding his recommendation," which as near as i can tell, means i'm all good.

also, i went in for my physical exam today. a couple of points:

1. the doctor said to watch my two moles, but not to worry about them right now.
2. the nurse measured that i have a 37.5" waist. however, that was while i had my suit pants and shirt on. good god i hope it's not 37.5".
3. i weighed 167 pounds, the most ever. however, this also included a full suit (including cell phone, wallet, keys, shoes), minus only the suit jacket.

i know i'm not in optimal shape, but i really feel like i'm in better shape than that. i weighed myself at the gym at the beginning of the year and i was under 155! and since then, i can run a few miles without worrying about a heart attack. wtf, mate?

oh, and two more beer reviews

2007-04-02T21:46:00.000-05:00

10:45 - just finished yuengling. the more i drink it, the more it tastes like foul piss. however, unless i drive all the way over to arlington for jw dundee's sampler, it's the cheapest available. it's just that it leaves a slightly foul aftertasete in the back of my throat. kind of like some acidic snot is sitting on the back of your tongue. you know what i'm talking about - like when you eat a really huge slimy booger, but it never quite goes all the way down - half of it is being digested in your stomach, while half of it is clinging to your uvula for dear life, not accepting that it must be eaten by stomach acids. just like that. or at least that's how i imagine really slimy snot would be digested. i'll let you know what i think of milwaukee's best.

12:27 - fourth milqaukee's best - best beer ever!

The Office

2007-04-02T21:30:00.000-05:00

Since I couldn't get it to work otherwise, I'm doing it manually. Enjoy!

Twins Season Opener

2007-04-02T18:02:00.000-05:00

SUMMARY:

Decent game over all - I think if you observe this season, you'll notice my biggest complaints - Gardenhire uses more players than he needs to (i.e. the five pitchers in the four run game and the multiple switches/pinch runners/subs) and the Twins power hitters can't think of anything but the long ball in the clutch or to get things going.

I think the rest of the rotation might surprise us - - -

In summary, let me leave you with what I was reminded of when I was reminded of the guy who charged the field mere feet from us at Fenway:

Fun at Fenway

10:09 - slow roller to shortstop, and O's are finished - Twins win 7-4!!!!!

10:06 - And Nathan gives up a two-out walk -O's trying to make a two-out comeback as Roberts (the guy who walked) steals second. Nothing to worry about.

10:00 - And a fan charges the field. The network won't show it, but it sounds like a particularly adroit fan is having his way with the security personell. Flash knows what that reminds me of!

9:59 - Nathan comes in as the fifth pitcher of the evening for the Twins.

9:55 - Anyways, I was on the bus today and there was a young girl. I got to talking to her, and it was the bus driver's daughter - she's on spring break and I guess needed somewhere to go, so she had her Easter basket, a bag of sunflower seeds and some candy. She was seven years old and enormously cute - one of the first times in recent memory that I wasn't automatically repulsed by the sight of a kid.

When she told me how old she was, she was amazed when I replied "So you're in second grade." Her eyes got big and said "How did you know?!?" Her mom was obviously very concerned that she was going to bug somebody, who would complain and consequently cause mom her job. While I don't necessarily "approve" per see, The more life experiences I have, and the more I learn about the way the world has worked up until today, the less sympathy I have for any body who bitches about how horrible their life is now.

9:51 - Jason Tyner comes to the plate - he was put in to run for Bartlett during the big 5th inning rally. Let's see what he's got at the plate.

Line drive to right - he's out. I think the kid's got potential.

What's interesting about this is that I can actually say "kid" and mean it, since he's 20 and I'm pushing 25. When I was 1- and all I did was obsess over the Twins (and soon thereafter, the Rockies), I would call rookies "kids", because that's what the baseball announcer would call them.

Now i see how damned annoying that would be if you were a normal person and some 10-year old came up to you wanting to talk about the new kid the Twins put on the roster this year.

Similarly, I met a

YES - Castillo doubles with two outs. I WILL MAKE A BET WITH YOU RIGHT NOW! Punto will get a hit. Punto always gets the job done.

9:49 - Ahhhhh...... DVR- I will forever sing your praises and pay for you. You (usually) keep me from enduring a Sheraton hotel commercial featuring an Orioles' replica mascot lounging on a hotel room bed.

9:48 - I like how Guy White (not his correct name - it's something similar) begins placing emphasis on every play at this point. i.e. one out, one man on first, a foul in pop-up territory to third base: "And that's a big out!" as the Twins lead by three.

9:46 - Honey Brown, whom among us doesn't know and love thee? You're right up the alley with Newcastle. Sweet (a bit too much), very malty, and dark. Again, not particularly creative and impressive, but enjoyable nonetheless. What I like about JW Dundee is that I can get the sampler, and so have enough variety in a twelve pack, for less than I can get Bud, MGD or Coors. Seriously. Or Yuengling for that matter.

9:43 - And now, Juan Rincon comes in to pitch the eighth. I'm not sure exactly what Gardenhire's trying to do here. Reyes walks one guy, Gardenhire pulls him (don't get me wrong - I'm certainly not a Reyes fan - I think anyone who has an ice cream truck drive him to the mound shouldn't play MLB). Then, Crane competently finishes up the inning and does OK (I am a Crane fan, as you see below). So what does Gardenhire do? Pull Crane, put in Rincon. ARE WE JUST TRYING TO MAKE EVERYBODY FEEL SPECIAL BY PLAYING THEM ALL?

Rincon gives up a one-out single.

9:30 - Of course, I open my big mouth and Crane balks, advancing Reyes' man on first to second. While it may not be the most exciting sport in the world to watch, the strategy and the technical aspects to baseball are what make this game unique from all others.

The balk - one of the great features of baseball that you just don't find in other sports. From the home plate collision to the sacrifice bunt to the balk to the rising fastball, what's your favorite technical subtlety of baseball that no other sport can provide?

9:28 - Reyes retires for the evening, pitching a third of an inning and giving up a walk, after which Gardenhire pulls him. Jesse Crane in, who had an exceptional 2006 season if I remember correctly. The Twins have a couple of guys in the bullpen whom they would be wise to lock into longer term contracts.

On another note, I'm trying the Honey Brown now, after which there will be two beers in the fridge that I have not sampled tonight: Yuengling and Milwaukee's Best. Let's hope the Honey Brown and Yuengling do their job before it's time for the Best. I'm reviewing each one.

9:26 - While I was talking to Twit/Flash, Gardenhire put in Reyes. I didn't think it was possible, but it looks like Reyes put an additional 20 pounds on during the off-season. I commented to Twit when I saw him warming up that I was worried the guy might have a heart attack on the jog from the bullpen to the mound.

9:23 - finishing off an Amber Lager here - pretty generic - tastes like an ale more than a lager, and a normal amber at that. enjoyable, but not anything impressive or innovative. On another note, Twins lead 7-4.

9:16 - sorry for the delay. After a brief conversation with Flash, I had to call my friend Twit, a fellow Twinkies fan who lives in Ft. Myers, home of the Grapefruit League where the Twins hold spring training. Anywho, this guy is the guy whose wife gave me the infamous eyedrops to which I had an allergic reaction.

Last weekend, LaFawnduh and I got together with Twit and Jo, who I gave a really hard time about the eyedrops. We were hanging out, and a couple of hours later Twit brings up this ridiculous story about how his Mom, who works at the Ft. Myers airport for Northwest, met Justin Morneau's dad, who was enormously upset about a big fight he had with his son whom he was visiting for spring break. Long story short - she ends up talking to him for a couple of hours, and then gets together with him for breakfast the next morning before he leaves to fly back to wherever he's from (Canada, I think).

I couldn't believe this ridiculous story, and was convinced that it was B.S. Twit and Jo, however, maintained it was totally legit. The day after we got back, LaFawnduh claims that when she came to kiss me goodbye for work, I was talking about the story, asking if she thought it was true.

Watching the game tonight piqued my interest yet again, and so I called Twit, who in between laughs, swore up and down that it was true.

I don't know - still seems rather far-fetched to me. YOU be the judge.

8:42 - Or strike out on three pitches. That's really the next best thing. Give up an out without getting a damned thing about it. Oh good - Morneau swings for the fences on the first pitch. Great.

8:39 - Mauer works the pitcher, walks. This is what the Twins need to do (specifically, Cuddyer, Morneau and Hunter). Work the pitcher - don't go after him on the first pitch. Our "potential Cy Young" winner Bedard is now receiving regular trips to the mound, is throwing more pitches to each hitter, and is in trouble. The last thing Cuddyer wants to do is swing at anything close. Work it! Bedard isn't going to walk you, so let him get well into the account.

8:38 - the player, not otherwise.

8:37 - I LOVE PUNTO!!!!!!!!

He hit a ground rule double, advancing Castillo to third with no outs and Mauer coming up.

8:30 - Rondell White can be Hunter's new outfield coach - THAT's the sort of ball you dive for. He was sprinting at it laterally, not vertically, and if he didn't dive, it would've fallen in for at LEAST a double because he was running towards foul territory, not center field. As opposed to charging a ball and diving for what would otherwise be a single, but turns out to be an inside the parker.

8:25 - I gotta tell you - with two outs and a man on first and third, I can't think of a better number ninehitter than Jason Bartlett...... as he lines out (albeit pretty well hit) to shortstop.

8:21 - Let's look at Jeff Cirillo as Gary White suggests that Cirillo swing for the fences. Good advice from the broadcast booth ---- Cirillo singles to right, one run scores and Morneau pounds the catcher in the face. Threw Bako a hard shoulder into his jaw, but he hangs on and Morneau is out.

I gotta tell you - Bako is a MAN. His chin is split open - the ump is forcing him to go to the dugout to get some butterfly stitches. His eyes are watering, but his face says "What the fuck for?" He didn't want to stop the game.

That was a helluva collision.

8:18 - White looks at 3 pitches - the first two of which were balls. Fancy that. Work the pitcher, work the count. Things that Hunter should definitely know (he is 30 after all) and Morneau et. al should have at the latest learned last postseason.

AND THAT'S HOW YOU WIN BALL GAMES. White never swung at a pitch, and ball four was wild. Bases are now loaded with DH Jeff Cirrillo coming to the plate.

8:16 - Hunter swings hard at the first pitch and pops up to the shortstop. Twins apparently didn't work on anything such as PATIENCE during the off-season. Everyone wants to be a hero and hit it out, and so we get behind in the count and swing at pitches we ought not. Maybe White (a veteran of 11 years) can show us how it's done.

8:15 - Clutch ground ball to left field - Cuddyer moves up to second with no outs, and Hunter comes up to bat.

8:12 - now this time up, Cuddyer gets up 3-0 (he's leading off, so there's no one on base), and he takes the fourth pitch - a fastball RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE. Then he fouls off a rising fastball and all of the sudden it's 3-2. Fouls another off, let's see the payoff pitch: single to right field. Sweet - let's see how Morneau follows.

Goes 0-2. The same old shit - Morneau is windmilling at these pitches. NOW he starts cooling off.

8:08 - 5 (yes 5) 2-out hits in the bottom of the fourth, including 3 doubles. 3-2 O's.

a leadoff walk in an inning increases yoru chances of scoring by 75%, over one hundred years of baseball. Even more than a single. interesting stat.

8:06 - 2 quick runs on smart baserunning by the Orioles. Tied up at 2.

8:00 - FYI - don't drink a Porter while eating your brats. Nasty - and I normally like this Porter.

7:57 - Mauer gets fucked. Somebody needs to teach the first base umpire that the tie goes to the runner. Middle of the fourth.

7:54 - First comment about the white ceiling at the Metrodome. Let's hear some stats/stories about important fly balls that have been lost in the light. I should do a study and see if the percentage of dropped fly balls at the Metrodome is actually higher than other (outdoor) parks.

7:50 - Liriano, in case you haven't heard, has been basically sidelined for the entire season. He was put on the 60 day DL, and is not expected to pitch at all. The Twins aren't taking any chance with him, but you have to wonder if he'll still be the same player in the spring of 2008 as he was in the summer of 2006.

7:48 - Short fly to center field, and what do you know? Hunter plays it on the bounce, not diving for it and allowing the inside the park home run. Could be a whole new ballplayer this year (let's hope)

7:46 - In the meantime, the Twins outfield is interesting, as Lew Ford is currently out for a couple more weeks (I think he's got a torn rotator cuff or something), but they've got two young guys in Jason Kubel and ??? Tyner who are happy to take up the slack behind Cuddyer, Hunter and Rondell White.

7:40 - anyways, as I was saying, Mauer was out of the lineup for the last ten or so days of spring training, but is back in the lineup tonight. He led off his season with the Twins' first hit.

7:36 - HUNTER YOU BEAUTIFUL DRUNKEN FOOL!!!! Next pitch he hits out! Pay him that $10 million --- I don't even care!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7:36 - MORNEAU - SOLO SHOT - Twins lead 1 - 0. Beautiful.

7:20 - The Twins had to make some tough decisions in spring training this year. With the possible infield configurations including Punto, Bartlett and Castillo, the Twins eventually opted to take Luis Rodriguez, who had a great spring training, as a utility infielder. Mauer's back in the lineup after a stress fracture around the 20th, and he gets

7:19 - Let's take alook here: Castillo, Punto and Mauer lead off the top of the Twins lineup. Erik Bedard pitching for the O's. He's a lefty who MASN lists as a "Cy Young " possibility. We'll delve into that more later.

Punto. Ha ha.

7:16 - Santana retires the Orioles in order. Good first inning, though I missed most of it.

Boiling the brats in "Milwaukee's Best." Should be excellent.

7:14 - Blacked out on ESPN2 because Mid-Atlantic Sports Network is carrying it; thank you Washington Post, RCN, and the rest of you incompetent shits.

WE ARE NOW UNDERWAY - catching up as Santana gets the second out of the top of the 1st.

7:10 - NO - GAME TIME IS 6:05 CT / 7:05 PT; IT'S LISTED ON RCN'S ON SCREEN PROGRAMMING AS BEING ON RIGHT NOW ON ESPN2, IT SAID IN THE WASHINGTON POST THIS MORNING THAT IT WAS ON ESPN2 SO WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?????

Never fear, faithful readers, I will get to the bottom of this!

7:05 - Gametime, and we're still watching ESPN2 highlights. I was kind of thinking the game was at 8, but RCN said otherwise. DAMN THEM RCN!!!!

7:02 - Blogger back up, here we go. By the way, I've never done this before so it probably won't be very interesting.

6:58 – Starting out the evening with a Pale Ale from the J.W. Dundee brewery. They’re the guys who make Honey Brown Ale, and I can get a sampler 12-pack at Shopper’s for $7.59. F*’in A!

In other news, with LaFawnduh out of town, it’s grill week at Kip’s house. I’m gonna grab a beer (passed the medical exam this morning, fyi – time to celebrate) and use my awesome grill’s stovetop to boil a couple of brats before grilling them up. Woo-hoo!

6:51 p.m. – 14 minutes til game time, and Blogger’s server is down… I’m blogging from Microsoft Word, and will paste it in.

Sit back and relax folks - we bring you LIVE commentary from ESPN2. Sit back, relax, and give the middle to college basketball.

Breaking News

2007-04-02T17:00:00.000-05:00

I'm going to continue with my productive day.

The Twins open their season tonigth vs. the Orioles (in Minneapolis unfortunately - they don't make it out here until September this year; on a side note, we didn't see them in Ft. Myers when we were there last weekend as I knew Cousin was proposing that day and didn't want to screw anything up). I will be providing a live (possibly drunken) running blog of the game. Tune in at 7 pm ET / 4 PT for some golden tidbits. The only downside is RCN (DAMN THEM) doesn't have ESPN2 in HD. The good news is, it's being carried nationally, so you can watch too! Fuck college basketball!

In the meantime, I will continue posting videos of the Office - I've watched at least 20 2-8 minute videos, and am filtering the best ones out for your enjoyment.

Oh, and scratch the possibly part of the drunkenness discussed above.

Test Your Perspective

2007-03-31T21:10:00.000-05:00

I'm posting a picture from my psychology of terrorism class. The location is Northern Ireland. You look at it:

and tell me what you see. Based on your response, I'll tell you how you view the world (and my response too). Don't overthink this one.

Exercising Your Mind and Tongue

2007-03-31T20:57:00.000-05:00

In the never-ending quest to improve the mental and verbal acuity of my readers, enjoy the following exercise. Props to Wikipedia.

Esau Wood is the name of a character in a tongue-twister and acting exercise. In the exercise, a paragraph of text is presented to an actor. The text, although meaningful and grammatically correct, makes heavy use of homonyms and intentional obfuscation. The idea is that the text itself provides very few clues as to its meaning. Thus, in order for the text to be comprehensible to a listener, the actor must take great care on where they put the stress and emphasis of each sentence.

Esau Wood sawed wood. Esau Wood would saw wood. All the wood Esau Wood saw, Esau Wood would saw. In other words, all the wood Esau saw to saw, Esau sought to saw. Oh, the wood Wood would saw! And, oh the wood-saw with which Wood would saw wood! But one day, Wood's wood-saw would saw no wood, and thus the wood Wood sawed was not the wood Wood would saw if Wood's wood-saw would saw wood. Now, Wood would saw wood with a wood-saw that would saw wood, so Esau sought a saw that would saw wood. One day, Esau saw a saw saw wood as no other wood-saw Wood saw would saw wood. In fact, of all the wood-saws Wood ever saw saw wood, Wood never saw a wood-saw that would saw wood as the wood-saw Wood saw saw wood would saw wood, and I never saw a wood-saw that would saw as the wood-saw Wood saw would saw until I saw Esau Wood saw wood with the wood-saw Wood saw saw wood. Now Wood saws wood with the wood-saw Wood saw saw wood.

2007-03-31T18:51:00.000-05:00

Do you ever wonder if other people's college experience was different from yours?

Yeah, me neither.

Comparison

2007-03-31T17:42:00.000-05:00

Here is the original photo of that cherry blossom below. I adjusted the contrast, added some fill light, and applied a partial black and white filter to the background. I did not blur the background - that's just how it came out in the pic.

Cherry Blossom

2007-03-30T20:21:00.000-05:00

I took this picture and then tweaked it a bit with Picasa. That program is awesome! Not to mention that I can then upload it to my blog really easily.

A Day in the Life of Kip .....

2007-03-30T11:16:00.000-05:00

I received a request to do a running diary of my typical day, so here it is. It's now 12:17 p.m., and I'm awake.

Just kidding. This is just when I started it. A quick blow by blow of what has happened so far:

6:20 a.m. Presumably, LaFawnduh comes in and kisses me good-bye as she goes off to wherever she goes all day. As she leans in for the kiss, if I drank last night (which I did), I turn my head so she kisses my cheek so she won't smell my beer breath. I've got this down to an art, which I can (literally) do in my sleep, as I probably did this morning.

6:50 a.m. Alarm goes off. Class registration for this fall starts at 7 a.m., and I have some specialized classes I went to get into. Turn off alarm.

8:12 a.m. Shit! Get out of bed and run to the computer. I'm not gonna get into any of my classes. Dogs chase me in there, excited to be up for the day. Dumbasses.

8:13 a.m. Dogs are dancing around the office while I realize that the internet isn't working (as usual)

8:14 a.m. Take dogs downstairs, unplug the router, feed the dogs (they get some month old roast with breakfast), plug the router back in. Put the dogs out side. Have a good day!

8:15 a.m. Go back upstairs. Plug in the class ID numbers, and find that all but one of my classes I got into. That one class is a stats class that I don't want to take anyways, and I won't be able to take all of these classes anyways, assuming I am employed by this fall.

8:20 a.m. Go back to bed.

~ 9 a.m. Wake back up. Drink water. Stupid cat shat in my mouth again last night. Wonder why I gave up smoking.

Get my laptop. Download NetHack (a really stupid old game that I love). Play a little game. I'm an archaeologist, and get killed by a mocassin snake on level 5. D'oh!

10 a.m. Get in the shower. Forget that LaFawnduh prefers "scalding" as her temperature. Burn my unmentionable.

10:23 a.m. Load the dishwasher. There is some disgusting shit in the sink. Look at the expired quarter gallon of milk I took out of the fridge on Monday. Decide, no, I still don't want to smell it. Leave it there for another time, savoring the knowledge of how much it gets under LaFawnduh's skin to see it sitting there.

10:45 a.m. Start paying some bills, reconciling some accounts. HSBC "suspended" my external checking account because LaFawnduh's paycheck wasn't in that checking account when HSBC tried to do the automatic monthly withdrawl at the first of March (since February is a short month).

11:02 a.m. Call HSBC. Talk to no fewer than THREE Indians. Fortunately for them, they didn't call themselves Shane, Tom or Mary, and so I don't make fun of them. Unfortunately for me, I couldn't understand a single one of their names. They promise to "unsuspend" the account in 3-5 business days. Go back to paying the bills.

11:25 a.m. Fire off a threatening e-mail to my Dad, reminding him that he promised to buy my airline ticket to Colorado last weekend, and I have yet to see a check.

11:32 a.m. Decide to see how many times LaFawnduh went to Starbuck's in March. 5.

11:40 a.m. Just about lose it when I see that LaFawnduh spent $128 at Old Navy while I was in Colorado. Also on her list? A $41 trip to Target, $29 from Amazon.com, and a $35 charge for "Race for the Cure". Think of how to tactfully tell her that SHE SPENT A LOT OF FUCKING MONEY WHILE I WAS GONE FOR ONE FUCKING WEEKEND.

11:45 a.m. Start to recover. Think about how she would react if I stole her credit card while she wasn't looking. Add up her monthly "miscellaneous" expenses: $234. Good Lord. That doesn't include the $156 night at the comedy club.

11:48 a.m. Think about how much money she's going to spend in Colorado. Estimate it at between $200 and $300.

11:49 a.m. Compare it with my monthly "miscellaneous" expenses: $96, including $25 for a schoolbook, $24 at Staples to get printer paper and to bind a bunch of my class readings, and $10 on my student ID card so I could print some stuff off at the library. Thank God this isn't a blog last month, when I didn't give up booze for most of the month.

11:55 a.m. Notice a $67 charge from McAfee.com. Those bastards have me on an auto-renewal plan!

11:56 a.m. Remember a RCN commercial that says they give you free McAfee protection. Call RCN. Get transferred, put on hold, etc. for about 15 minutes. Finally someone says they got it done, gave me the website to go to, told me to use my RCN e-mail address and password to log in, and it's all good.

11:57 a.m. What RCN e-mail address?

11:58 a.m. Call RCN back.

12:12 p.m. If anyone wants to e-mail me at an address I don't check, it's myfirstname.mylastname@rcn.com. Also find out that it will take about a day before I can log-in to McAfee using this info. Write a note to myself to do it tomorrow.

12:15 p.m. Get an e-mail from my future boss at the internship that will never come. How did I like the breakfast seminar she told me to go to yesterday? Decide to wait to respond so that she understands how busy I am.

12:20 p.m. Re-read Flash's comment on my last blog. Decide to do a running diary.

And that's where we are now. I will continue to update throughout the day.

12:52 p.m. Just finished all of the dishes. Dumped the milk, but held my breath while I did it. Now I'm going to sweep. Basically just looking for shit to do other than start on my next paper.

12:57 p.m. Wow. That's a lot of hair, just from the stairs. Briefly consider putting it on LaFawnduh's pillow in retribution for the shopping spree. Think better of it.

1:02 p.m. What's Lhotse barking at? Let them inside. Act impressed that Lhotse can fit a stuffed dog and a stuffed rabbit in her mouth at the same time! Talk to the dogs about their morning while they lick the dishes in the open dishwasher. It seems that theirs has been more exciting than mine so far. As I type, Brody saunters past me on his way upstairs for his 6 hour afternoon nap. I briefly consider joining him.

1:11 p.m. Just e-mailed back future boss, and sent an e-mail to my academic advisor for a meeting next week to discuss my (probable) part-time enrollment starting in the fall.

1:22 p.m. Read a blog posting about giving blood by a friend on Facebook. Laughed because it reminded me of when I sold plasma when I was a freshman in college. $40 each time x 3 times. woo-hoo!

1:23 p.m. Uh-oh. Grandpa's on e-mail. Get out the spam filter.

1:36 p.m. Good news and bad news all in the same minute. Just got a call from my accountant - BIG refund coming back to us. I'm using it all to short Crocs. I'll make millions! Bad news - lady from internship e-mailed me back: "Well, we are definitely looking forward to your joining us, Kip. Enjoy the sunshine and weekend. Maybe we'll hear some good news on your processing status in the next few weeks." NEXT FEW WEEKS?!?!?

3:45 p.m. Since it's Friday, I decided to start the weekend a little early and spent the last hour killing Nazis. I deserved it.

4:01 p.m. Just got an e-mail from my old friend Karl, looking for the phone number of the Maids we used back in Denver.

4:06 p.m. Think I'll go water the grass and tulips.

5:01 p.m. Just finished cutting the grass and watering the lawn. Thinking about going out back with a shovel and turning over all the bare dirt. Tomorrow, I could get some grass seed and lay it down. I'm wondering if the fact that this is the east coast and stuff grows fast here would overpower the dogs. hmmmmm.......

Anyways, when I was watering the lawn, LaFawnduh came home. Her car is covered in bird shit, so I tried washing it off, to no avail. She was talking to Flash as she drove up. Something suspicious going on there.....

5:08 p.m. LaFawnduh is harassing me to go get her a new phone and then see the Cherry Blossoms. ughhhhhhhhh

8:57 p.m. Lying in bed with LaFawnduh. We went down to where the FDR memorial is and saw the Cherry Blossoms (right by the Jefferson Memorial). Walked around there for about an hour, and then came home. I finally bought a fresh propane tank, so we grilled cheesewurts and burgers for dinner. I had one of each, including a barbeque bacon baked bean jalapeno burger. That got me ready for bed. So that's about all that I did today. I'll leave you with this:

2007-03-30 Cherry Blossoms

Getting in Shape, Volume 1

2007-03-29T14:37:00.000-05:00

I've received numerous (one is a number, after all) complaint about no new blogs in a while. Since I don't have any ideas, I am

(a) taking suggestions on topics, and
(b) writing about something none of my readers care about (as opposed to previous posts)

I have to take a physical fitness test at some point in the future (estimated 2-4 months). The testing is in four categories:

Sit-ups
Push-ups
Chin-ups
1.5 mile run

You get a score of 0 - 4 in each category, so a perfect score is 16. A passing score is 10. All the measurements are for males (female scoring is different). I put the requirements for my age bracket (20-29).

Push-Ups Scoring (as many as you can do in a minute)
4 points - Excellent: 55 or more
3 points - Good: 50-54
2 points - Fair: 46-49
1 point - Poor: 38-45
0 points - Very Poor: less than the poor

Sit-ups Scoring (as many as you can do in a minute)
Excellent - 47 or more
Good: 42-46
Fair: 38-41
Poor: 23-37
Very Poor: less than poor

Chin-ups Scoring (as many as you can do; no time limit)
Excellent: 11 or more
Good: 9-10
Fair: 7-8
Poor: 5-6
Very Poor: less than poor

1.5 mile run Scoring:
Excellent: 10:16 or less
Good: 10:17 - 11:41
Fair: 11:42 - 12:51
Poor: 12:52 - 14:13
Very Poor: slower than poor

I've been keeping track (periodically) by periodically measuring. Here are the results that I have recorded so far:

February 24: 35 push-ups (very poor), 35 sit-ups (poor)
March 11: 33 push-ups (very poor), 43 sit-ups (good), 13:31 run (poor) - I didn't run very hard
March 29 (i.e. today): 11:26 run (good)

My strategy is to score excellent in sit-ups (4), fair to good in push-ups (2-3), good or excellent in the run (3-4), and at least fair in chin-ups (2). I don't have a chin-up bar at home or at the gym, so I'm not sure what exactly my ability is yet. This would give me 11 - 13 points when I enter the training academy. You have to score at least 10 by midway through your time at the training academy and throughout the rest of the academy. I plan to be above 10 when I go in, and maybe around 14-15 when I leave. Right now, I expect I have about 6-7 points, but I have a couple of months still.

It's encouraging to see improvement in the sit-ups, but disappointing none in push-ups so far. Although LaFawnduh did say that my push-ups started out better this time - I did 25 in the first 22 seconds, and then got tired and only did 8 more in the final 38 seconds. I need to buy a chin-up bar also.

There you have it. Comments, questions, or concerns, please post below. Otherwise, I'll keep you updated every couple of weeks.

Smoking in Public Places

2007-03-10T15:24:00.000-05:00

The Colorado Springs Gazette is carrying a story about bar owners who are publicly refusing to enforce the no-smoking in public places ban which was enacted statewide last summer. A discussion is ongoing on the weblog ColoradoPols. Recently, DC enacted a similar law, and other cities and states around the country have been following suit throughout the past years.

Although I think that these bar owners know that they are fighting a losing battle, I am at least proud of the principled stand they are taking. Although I think that these bans will not be overturned, I am opposed to them as they relate to privately held businesses for the following reasons.

1. Private businesses are not public places. You see the sign in Denny's every time you go in there drunk at two o'clock in the morning: "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone for any reason." This is a legal practice, and you accept it when you enter, because you are entering someone else's property, who has the right to dictate acceptable behavior inside his or her property. If you are in someone's business, or in someone's house, they have the right to tell you what is acceptable behavior, and whether their actions are rude, racist, or simply in response to your lack of respect for common decency, the government can't say boo about it, because it's not the government's business or house. Therefore, why should the government be allowed to dictate that you can not do something that is completely legal in a private place? Tobacco is legal. If you want to change that, it's one thing. Restricting people from doing something legal in a private dwelling is quite another.

2. The justification for this law is most often "I don't want to be disturbed by somebody's rude habit" or "I don't want to go to a bar and leave smelling like smoke." This law is born of convenience for people, not (as some argue) to protect employees or the public at large from second-hand smoke. Nobody is obligated at any moment in their entire lives to step foot inside a bar or other place which allows smoking. You choose to go into the bar, you are there because you want to get extremely drunk and maybe laid afterwards, and so your whining about not wanting to leave smelling like smoke is not really morally compelling.

Guess what. Every day I ride the bus. There are drunk, stinky, high, or homeless people and criminals on the bus every day. Do I think they should not be allowed to ride the bus because they are likely to (a) throw up on me, (b) jump the bus driver and cause a wreck, or (c) ask me for money, and when I refuse, stab me? No, because I'm not a pussy.

Laws should not be in response to public desire to have something convenient given to them. That's all this law is, and I defy you to intelligently argue with that. You can't, because if you agree with this law, you're completely and 100% wrong. Moreover, you know it's true.

3. Fact: a majority of people do not smoke. If that is true, why is it that most bars allow smoking (notwithstanding the ban, of course)? Answer: You value going and getting drunk more than you value avoiding the effects of second-hand smoke. Secondly, selling cigarettes at $8 a pack is profitable for bars. Moreover, many people enjoy smoking when they are drunk. This conveniently takes the option away from them. If you can't avoid having a smoke when you're drunk, it's not the public's problem, dumbass.

There has never been a law against a bar prohibiting smoking inside. If you really want to not smell like smoke, you shouldn't go to one that allows it. I know this is a pain in the ass for you - mostly because you would have to call around, looking for a bar that doesn't allow smoking, and then convincing your friends to go there instead of a different place. They would call you a pussy. But let's face it: if you do that to your friends, you are a pussy, and you don't deserve to have any friends.

Note: I have, in fact, been with a person who said "I won't go there, I can't stand the smoke," but that was to an IHOP and the person had really bad asthma. Both were sufficiently compelling reasons, and I can respect it.

4. The argument that you are protecting the poor waiters and waitresses who have to breathe second-hand smoke is bullshit. I know you're all white-collar stiffs, but go to the exit from the kitchen (it's around back - if you're too lazy to walk there, then get in your car and drive around the building) and you'll see your waiter, hostess, cook and dishwasher out there having a smoke.

A second reason this argument is bullshit: many occupations are hazardous. When I was in high school, I framed houses. When we were putting up walls in an open-aired two story foyer, the foreman would call one of us young guys, and say "Monkey!! Climb up this framed two story wall and sit on the corner of the two-by-four thirty feet in the air. We're going to raise up the wall that connects to it, and you're going to nail the two walls together. Oh yeah, and if you fall, you're fired before you hit the ground!" I would much rather breathe smoke all day than do that, but do you know what I did instead? I went to college.

As a side note, my foreman was yelling at me one day, and felt bad. Just before he sent me climbing up a thirty foot wall for the above-mentioned purpose, he said, "Kip! I'm sorry. You ever tried snuff before? Stick this in your lip. Now get your ass up that wall!" I got so dizzy that I almost fell off the wall thirty feet to my death, but you know what I did? I sucked it up and did my job, you pansy waisted fairy.

Now, many people who opposed this law think it's a violation of civil liberties. I don't think this is the beginning of the erosion of personal rights, yada yada yada. I think it's simply unconstitutional. I also think that since most people are the above mentioned pansy-waisted dumbass pussy fairies, the law will never be overturned.

Take the Test

2007-03-05T13:39:00.000-05:00

If you're a man, you will do it. Oh, and no practicing - I didn't.

OK, so it takes a little while, but let's face it: you skipped work today to go to a college basketball tournament. Work (or anything productive) isn't your biggest priority.

Below are my results:

Interestingly, my low scores are in Science, Romance, Cooking and the Military. This is especially troubling for LaFawnduh (since I truly believe that she thinks receiving flowers is a stupid exercise, and hence have never, not once, bought them for her), and since we recently agreed that her cooking has, of late, been pure crap (I'm talking about shrimp scampi, overcooked Rice-A-Roni and undercooked meatballs - you know it's true!)

My high points are Survival, Society, Sports, and Geek. Not too surprising, other than the assertion that I am "openly revered" and "events are held in my honor." The only events held in my honor are when I step out of the shower and LaFawnduh starts humming "Hail to the Chief." (It's OK babe, Flash won't tell anyone).

It can't bode well, given my choice in careers, that I scored so poorly in Military, and only mediocre in History and Travel. Also, I'm a little disappointed that I got any points in the Music and Film categories. And thank you, Old Spice, for reminding me for the 5 millionth time that I could have benefited from Netflix a long time ago.

At least it didn't have a "Finance" category. I'm fairly certain I would fail to earn the "Genius of Finance" title.

Also kind of surprising that I scored low in the "Vehicle" category - I aced (yes, aced) the timed tool identification test and am (if I do say so myself), pretty handy with a socket wrench.

Craigslist

2007-03-01T01:01:00.000-05:00

I love Craigslist. Below is the posting I listed in the "barter" section and e-mail I received in reply, followed by my reply to the e-mail.

ORIGINAL POSTING
Short Stock Options for Softball Glove
Reply to: sale-286223242@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-02-28, 4:37PM EST
I own 20 put contracts (the option to sell 2,000 shares) for Crocs (NASDAQ symbol CROX), which expire March 2007 at a strike price of $22.50. If the underlying stock (Crocs) price goes below $22.50, you make money on the difference. Crocs stock is very volatile - it fell 7% yesterday! You could make a lot of money! I want to trade for a softball glove. Please send pictures of the softball glove.
Location: Capitol Hill
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 286223242

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INTERESTED E-MAIL

** CRAIGSLIST ADVISORY --- AVOID SCAMS BY DEALING LOCALLY** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping** More Info: http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams.html

I can understand if you don't have time to answer this. I have a few basic questions.

I comprehend that a "call" is the option to buy a stock at a given price. You can sell the option to buy the stock at that price to someone who wants to buy the stock at a lower price than the market price. That makes sense to me.

Puts don't make sense to me, though. Why would someone have to buy an option to sell a stock? If you own a stock, can't you sell it anytime you want to?

I'm also wondering why you would be willing to trade these puts for a softball glove, if there really is a good chance of making money on them.

When in March 2007 do the contracts expire?

What kind of softball glove do you want?

Regards,

xxxxxxxxxxxx

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MY REPLY

Thanks for the reply.

The gist behind a "put" option is to make money if an underlying stock price declines. You buy "put" options with the expectation that at some point between now and when the contract expires, the stock price will be less than the option's strike price. Thus, you would have the right to sell the stock at a higher price than it is actually worth. How big of a difference creates your profit, i.e. if at time of expiration that stock price is $20 and the option strike price is $22.50, you would make $2.50 per share. You do this if you own a large quantity of the stock and want to protect yourself in the event that the stock's value declines, or, as in my case, if you just think the company is crap and is bound to decline. I don't actually own any "Crocs" stock; I bought this "put" option from someone who does. They sold me the right to sell their stock at a given price ($22.50 per share).

The problem is, Crocs' stock is currently trading in the neighborhood of $50 per share, and the options expire (as all options traded in the U.S.) on the third Friday of the month (March, in this case). Therefore, I have no ability to exercise my options, unless for some miracle the price of Crocs' shares declines by over 50% in the next three weeks. If this happens (as I expect barring some sort of enormous catastrophe for Crocs in the next three weeks), the options expire completely worthless. Currently, they are so far "out of the money" that no one is interested in purchasing them, and so they are essentially worthless already.

I paid $105 per contract (the right to a "lot" of 100 shares) x 20 contracts, or around $2,100, and am going to lose that investment on the third Friday of this month. In the meantime, no one is interested in paying anything for these options because they are so virtually guaranteed to expire worthless. I am joining an intramural softball team, so I thought I would try and get SOMETHING ANYTHING!

I am right-handed, so I need a left-hand glove. I play infield (first base), but am not particularly picky about the type of glove.
I also must add the disclaimer that I'm not sure if this is even legal, or if my broker would honor my request to transfer the ownership to you. If you are really serious about wanting to trade, it would be dependent on my finding this information out. It was more put up there as a joke, and me expressing my frustration that I am about to lose a solid chunk of change. I think it would be legal (I don't think there are any rules against trading stocks on Craigslist) but am not sure what my broker would say to my proposal (I would probably decline to name what renumeration I was receiving).

Thanks for the interest!

Lessons Learned, Volume 15

2007-02-28T21:26:00.000-05:00

When your wife asks you, "What's your favorite bathroom accessory?" your reply shouldn't be "Toilet paper."

Breaking News from Fort Myers

2007-02-21T22:45:00.000-05:00

OK, so this isn't the spring training preview I promised the other night. That is still to come when I'm less

c. working on a paper

However, I thought it important to note that even Torii Hunter has seemed to accept that he won't be with the Twins much longer. In the words of Page 2's Jonah Keri:

This isn't a good decision by the Twins. It's a great one.

It's also good to hear that Torii Hunter is realistic about the situation, although this shouldn't come as too much of a surprise, as drunks often feel free to be the most honest of any of us.

The Sports Guy in Vegas

2007-02-20T22:56:00.000-05:00

Bill Simmons, what shall I say about you?

I think he's probably like the younger (single male) generation's Dave Barry (who is the middle-aged married male's sports/pop/life comedian-writer).

Anyways, he wrote a great column about NBA All-Star weekend in Vegas. An excerpt on social trends he has noticed from Super Bowl weekend and All-Star weekend. Numbers two and three:

2. Instead of playing full songs, clubs now play one-minute samples of songs and barrage you with choruses. I like this trend because you never know what's coming next, although it's depressing that our attention spans have been whittled down to the degree that clubs feel obligated to change songs every 60 seconds. Whatever.
3. Remember when Britney and Christina Aguilera ushered in the Let's Dress Like Hookers Era, and attractive women across America stopped wearing bras -- and eventually, underwear -- followed by every married guy over 30 kicking themselves that they sowed their oats in the Let's Wear Baggy Sweaters, Eat & Be Scared of AIDS Era? Well, like with all great eras, there's been a massive backlash. Now women of all shapes and sizes wear clothes they shouldn't be wearing, which means you're about 100,000 times more likely to see saggy butt checks, exposed pot bellies, flabby arms and love handles than you were in 2001. It's legitimately, unequivocally horrifying -- a full-fledged onslaught against every man's libido. Now I'm thinking that women should have to apply to dress like a hooker, then be forced to renew that license every two years like it's a driver's license. Let's protect the country from itself. On the bright side, now that every female in Vegas dresses like a hooker, it's impossible to tell the real hookers from the fake ones, which means we'll probably have a Vegas-themed game show called "Hooker or Looker" some day.

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

2007-02-20T00:41:00.000-05:00

tonight, jay had American Idol stars on. well, at least i'm not paula abdul

sports

2007-02-19T23:58:00.000-05:00

a couple of things, one of which i was going to post the other day, but didn't because i was too lazy.

a. i'm going to post a spring training preview. it will focus (shockingly) on the twins.

b. jason kidd looks old. really old. he can't possibly still be playing.

now all i have to do to post is get less:

a. drunk

b. lazy

not even simultaneously.

until then,

peace,

kip

Apologies to other Celebrity Bloggers

2007-02-18T12:32:00.000-05:00

In my post about the crime being committed with regards to the Anna Nicole Smith tragedy, I failed to mention the crucial and diligent reporting of Seriously? OMG! WTF? blog, Pink is the New Blog and It's All The Blog!

For this, I am truly sorry.

On an enormously amusing related note, the saga (sorry, no link as I haven't posted about this before) regarding Lafonda's college roommate's ex-friend from Walla Walla, Washington, who was on MTV's The Real World when Lafonda lived with her in 2001-02, continues. While doing research on the other celebrity blogs listed above, I saw that she is now appearing for Playboy and in Cinemax late night sex films. Freakin hilarious.

Hello, my name is Kip

2007-02-18T11:14:00.001-05:00

and I'm a Breakbreaker-aholic. At least I was. My Blackberry had this game on it, and I had over 400,000 points when, much as described below, the game froze.

BlackBerry Addicts Also Can't Resist This Little Game
Playing BrickBreaker IsExecutives' Guilty Pleasure;Phoning From Mt. Everest
By SUSANNE CRAIG and GREGORY ZUCKERMAN
February 17, 2007; Page A1

When Richard Fuld, chief executive of Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc., couldn't control his addiction, he took drastic measures. In October, he had the game BrickBreaker taken off his BlackBerry.
"I was playing so much," says Mr. Fuld, who had used it to relax on the plane or in the car. He missed it so much he had it reinstalled, but it's no longer on the main menu. That removes the temptation, he says, "for the most part."
In this era of startlingly realistic video games, BrickBreaker is straight out of the Stone Age. Yet it has developed a cult following, not among the young Gameboy set, but with executives chained to their email. Players swap strategies in chat rooms, brag about their prowess and pay homage to BrickBreaker superstars -- a few with top scores of over one million.
BrickBreaker's premise: Move a paddle left and right with your thumb to bounce a ball so it demolishes "bricks" atop the screen. Most bricks earn 10 points. Clear a screen of bricks, and move on to the next level. Drop the ball too many times, and the game is over. Occasionally, "pills" appear containing bonuses such as a gun or laser, or an extra "life." There's also the deeply hated "flip pill."
Richard Handler, a former bond trader and now CEO of brokerage company Jefferies Group Inc., says he is constantly trying to beat his high score. He plays in elevators and on the way to meetings, or even in meetings.
"If I am on speakerphone on a boring call, yes, I have been known to play," he says. That can be risky. In December, Robert Davidman, who runs New York marketing company EarthQuake Media, recalls sitting around a table with several clients during a conference-call meeting, when one began repeatedly hitting the space bar on his BlackBerry -- a tip-off to Mr. Davidman that he was shooting bricks.
Soon, others started their own games and were paying little attention to the call. Suddenly, a question came over the phone, spoiling the mood. "Can you repeat that?" one of the men asked, adding, "The phone seems to have cut out."
Messrs. Fuld and Handler have high scores of 16,000 and 15,135, respectively. But they are rank amateurs compared to lawyer Gabriel Berger, who has a high score of 476,000. He's in the top ranks of BrickBreaker players. (Players with the latest BlackBerries can register high scores on a Web site sponsored by BlackBerry maker Research in Motion.) In general, a novice has no trouble scoring three or four thousand points. But as the levels get higher, things get tougher.
Mr. Berger took three lawyers to a Yankees game last fall, hoping to drum up business for his company. But the bonding didn't really begin until one of the men pulled out his BlackBerry.
Mr. Berger saw his opening: "What's your high score?" he asked. The lawyer brightened, instantly recognizing a fellow user. Now, Mr. Berger regularly asks the question as an icebreaker. "Everyone has played the game if they've got a BlackBerry," he says.
One thing that makes the game so addictive is that players can pause the action at any time, then resume it later. Skilled players can stretch out a game for days, weeks or months as they rack up points. Last year, Jed Wider, an attorney at Morgan Lewis & Bockius in New York, got a phone call from a hedge-fund friend in Nepal who had just finished scaling Mount Everest. "The first thing he said was, 'Level 24 calling from Everest Base Camp. Beat that!'" Mr. Wider recalls.
"I knew exactly what he was talking about," namely, BrickBreaker. The highest level in the game that Mr. Wider has reached is 22.
The current registered record-holder is Daniel Allen, a 34-year-old economist in Santa Monica, Calif., who has racked up 1,392,260 points. He started playing two years ago on a business trip -- and once he got on a hot streak, he just had to keep going. Mr. Allen estimates that he played a total of 90 hours, over the course of a year, on his record-setting run. He now fields daily emails from bankers, lawyers and financial executives asking for playing advice.
"I gave pointers to a Webmaster at an online-porn company, and he emailed a free password to the site" as a way of saying thanks. Mr. Allen says he declined the offer.
Mr. Allen's best advice: To stay sharp, don't play for more than 10 minutes at a time. And make sure to catch every falling pill, since they earn more points.
Brickmania has come as a surprise to RIM, the maker of BlackBerries. David Castell, vice president of product marketing, says it developed the game in-house in early 2002 for use in prototype BlackBerries. Then, in 2003 when RIM released its first color BlackBerry, the company decided it should include a game to showcase the new color screen.
Mr. Castell says BrickBreaker was chosen simply because it was the only game far enough along in development. "It was not like we gave a lot of thought to it," he says. "The game was just thrown in there." He says he rarely plays it. These days, other games, including Texas Hold'em King 2, can be downloaded to BlackBerries from magmic.com1.
Top players report a frustrating tendency for the game to crash when they start flirting with astronomical scores. Jonathan Lane, a 19-year-old freshman at the University of Pennsylvania Wharton School, swore off BrickBreaker after reaching 1,310,510, he says -- only to have the game suddenly freeze.
That freeze prevented him from registering his score online for public admiration. "I was crushed about that," he says.
Luckily, he took a photo of his game at 1,000,000. And he can produce witnesses, he says.
Some BlackBerry users resist the temptation. Lloyd Blankfein of Goldman Sachs, widely known in Wall Street circles as a BlackBerry addict (and also known as Wall Street's highest-paid CEO, earning $53 million last year) says he has played BrickBreaker just a few times.
He declined to reveal the high score currently displayed on his device. "It's less than 4,000," he says.
Write to Susanne Craig at susanne.craig@wsj.com2 and Gregory Zuckerman at gregory.zuckerman@wsj.com3

URL for this article:http://online.wsj.com/article/SB117167900477311964.html

Hyperlinks in this Article:(1) http://magmic.com (2) mailto:susanne.craig@wsj.com (3) mailto:gregory.zuckerman@wsj.com

Baseball and Economics

2007-02-17T09:44:00.000-05:00

When I saw this article in yesterday's Wall Street Journal, I was initially excited. Baseball and economics? My greatest passion and the class I got my first graduate school B- in. The article follows, followed by my commentary. My emphasis added.

A New Study Shows How Baseball Myths Can Hurt the Game
SCIENCE JOURNAL
By SHARON BEGLEY

February 16, 2007; Page B1
After St. Louis won the 2006 World Series, you'd think fans in small cities would stop grousing that major-market teams have a built-in edge. Should any of you not be inclined to concede error, economist J.C. Bradbury is ready to regale you with statistics, regression analysis and Cartesian plots to prove mathematically that, while big-market baseball teams win more than small-market teams do, market size explains only part of the differential.
With pitchers and catchers reporting to the grapefruit and cactus leagues this week, it's time for baseball fans to dust off the equipment they, too, need for the 2007 season. I am referring, of course, to calculators, statistics, economics and multiple regression analysis, which calculates how much one factor (such as market size) contributes to some outcome (team wins).
In the hands of Prof. Bradbury, of Kennesaw State University, Georgia, these techniques lead to counterintuitive results sure to spark a bar fight or two. His coming book "The Baseball Economist: The Real Game Exposed," takes aim at all sorts of baseball lore to separate fact from myth.
Ever since the American League introduced the designated-hitter rule in 1973, its rate of batters-hit-by-a-pitch has exceeded that in the National League by a total of 15% through 2005. Economics offers a simple explanation. In both leagues the cost of hitting a batter with a pitch is having a man on base. But in the National League, where pitchers bat, there is also the cost of risking a retaliatory beaning when you, the wild hurler, step up to the plate. Ergo, more hit batsmen in the AL.
But retaliation explains only part of the NL/AL difference. The NL hit-batter rate equaled, and sometimes exceeded, the AL's after expansion years (1993 and 1998). The presence of more wild pitchers in the NL (which had more new teams) swamped the deterrent effect of possible retaliation, which turns out to be only a minor factor in the hit-batsman rate.
Baseball wisdom holds that a team needs to "protect" its star slugger by having a decent hitter behind him. By this reasoning, the Mets' Carlos Beltran last year belted so many home runs (41, a career high, after 16 in 2005) because Carlos Delgado hit behind him, and Barry Bonds would have gotten fewer walks if Albert Pujols instead of Jeff Kent had been on deck. A good on-deck hitter supposedly keeps a pitcher from pitching around a strong batter; a weak one makes a pitcher more willing to walk the slugger.
Prof. Bradbury shows otherwise. If the on-deck hitter is a threat (think Boston clean-up hitter Manny Ramirez), then putting the slugger (David Ortiz) on base carries a steeper price: Manny has a good chance of driving in Ortiz. The three-spot hitter may therefore get fewer walks if there's a strong clean-up batter, and the strikes he sees may be even harder to hit because the pitcher reaches back for extra speed or movement to keep him from reaching base and therefore setting up an RBI. A pitcher might let Ortiz reach base if a .150 hitter waited on deck, but ratchet up his effort if he sees Manny there.
Speculation is fine, but Prof. Bradbury prefers multiple regression analysis. Using this technique, he and a colleague found that a weak on-deck hitter makes a batter more likely to get an extra-base hit. A strong on-deck hitter lowers the chance that the batter before him will walk, and also lowers his chance of hitting for average and power. "Protection," Prof. Bradbury concludes, "is a myth."
So is the popular explanation for why there are no left-handed catchers, namely, that a lefty would have a tougher time throwing out runners at third than a righty does. Prof. Bradbury analyzed data from tens of thousands of game situations to count how often various on-base/out configurations led to a run. The difference in runs scored with a man on second rather than third -- a measure of how important it is to throw out a runner trying to steal third -- is a puny 0.4 per game.
Even that overstates the case, because runners on second don't steal every time third is open. That happens only 13.7% of the time. Protecting against the steal is therefore not a convincing reason to have only right-handed catchers; stealing third is rare, and even when it succeeds the gain is small. Lefties don't catch because managers have four other positions to play them (three outfield slots plus first base), and so don't need to put them behind the plate.
Assembling a fantasy team? Prof. Bradbury finds that the best predictor of a hitter's production is not average, RBIs or runs scored. It is on-base percentage plus slugging average. This sum accounts for almost all the difference in how many runs a player will be responsible for.
Oh, and the big-market/small-market question. Every 1.58 million residents produces one extra win per season, Prof. Bradbury calculates, using data from 1995 to 2004. Based on population alone, the Yankees should win 10.61 more games than Milwaukee.
Calculating "population-adjusted wins," he shows which teams did better than their city's size predicts -- and which did worse. I'm talking about you, Kansas City, Pittsburgh, Tampa Bay and Milwaukee.
• You can email me at sciencejournal@wsj.com1.

URL for this article:http://online.wsj.com/article/SB117158330865310424.html

Hyperlinks in this Article:(1) mailto:sciencejournal@wsj.com

When I saw this article, I immediately thought of Freakonomics, the recent big hit in which an economist explains the world (hat tip to Flash, as usual). However, after reading this column, I'm disinclined to buy the book, as it sounds like the author doesn't understand the fundamental underlying assumptions against which he argues (either that, or the Journal's reviewer doesnt' understand the book, baseball, or both).

1. Yes, a proclivity of shitty pitchers introduces an important mitigating variable into the hit batter ratio, but the underlying premise isn't challenged. Overall, the AL still has a 15% higher ratio than the NL. Years in which new and "wild" pitchers flood the league (expansion years) are anomalies, or "outliers," as most years are not expansion years. The article states that the league difference is only a "minor factor." Either the book's author has another reason that the reviewer doesn't disclose, or he tries to use an exception as a rule.

2. With regards to the "myth" of pitching around a good hitter when he is followed by a good slugger, I don't understand what he's rebuking. He states that a pitcher doesn't walk the #3 hitter because he still has to face the clean-up batter. That IS conventional wisdom. The review then states that having a good slugger behind a good hitter actually makes the hitter at the plate perform worse, because the pitcher goes after him harder. I don't believe he is rebuking the myth; the "myth" simply states that you don't walk the #3 hitter with a slugger on-deck because you don't want an extra RBI on base when the next hitter is more able to drive him in. Conventional wisdom simply says you don't walk the guy if he's followed by a slugger, not that you throw B-grade shit for him to stroke if there's nobody strong behind him. That's true. If you're going to pitch to (and not around) Barry Bonds, you're going to have to bring your A game (regardless of who is behind him), so it makes sense that he will get on less than when the pitcher throws junk at him or purposely walks him. The economist seems to assume that there is a time when you would just go out and deliberately hang curevballs for Barry Bonds, which is a flawed assumption. His assertion, then, states something that hasn't been discussed much in conventional wisdom: a hitter does worse with a good hitter behind him than with a bad hitter behind him. That's good, and he then apparently proves it thru multiple regression analysis, but doesn't offer a satisfying explanation.
How about this as an explanation? A manager relieves his pitcher much more often when the heart of a strong lineup is coming up to bat than when the pitcher will face a weak clean-up and number five following the strong hitter, or the number six thru nine hitters of an otherwise strong lineup. Therefore, the manager who is watching his starter go into the sixth inning against a number three hitter who is followed by a strong clean-up is more likely to pull his starter than if the number four is a wiffer. He will also replace his starter with a strong middle reliever, instead of an average one. Good lineups see good pitchers more than weak lineups who have just one good hitter. That's speculation, but at least it's something.

3. Finally, regarding the myth about the catcher. I buy his argument that the throwing the third-base steal is an insufficient reason to reject a left-handed catcher, but that's not the conventional reason there aren't left-handed catchers. Every one knows, myself included (as a former number two hitter), that when there's a steal sign for the man on first, I crowd the plate so as to prevent the catcher from getting a good step on the follow-thru. With a left handed catcher, if I as the batter crowd the plate, he is going to have to catch the pitch, shift a half-step to the right and throw in order not to hit the (right handed) batter with the thrown ball or his hand on the follow thru. His argument that there is more use for left-handers elsewhere on the field is insufficient; by the time you get to the big leagues, you already have a position. Nobody comes to the bigs as a catcher and gets shifted to the outfield. The only position on the field which it really pays to be a left is first base, but the other characteristics of a desirable first baseman (tall and flexible so that he can reach out for high or wide throws) or typically lacking from a short, pudgy catcher. Once again, his explanation proves he doesn't understand the game.

4. Everyone knows that highly focused on stats aren't the indication of the best player (see my argument about Mark McGwire), only a superstar.

5. Everyone also knows that money can't buy a World Series, but it can get you a helluva long way towards the goal.

Anyways, I think this guy just saw the success of Stephen Leavitt and Tom Friedman, and decided why the hell not to try what they did towards baseball. Whether it was successful or not, I'm not inclined to find out based on this review. Comment below. Today's a busy day on the Big Kipper, so stay tuned for more.

Indians Obstruct Justice ..... Again!!!!

2007-02-13T16:39:00.000-05:00

Breaking news in the Anna Nicole Smith tragedy.

As SignOnSanDiego.com is reporting, the original taped call made to the Seminole nation's police (Anna Nicole Smith was actually on Seminole land when she died) may never be released. More follows:

The initial emergency call to the Seminole Police was not released; the Seminoles are a sovereign Indian nation and not subject to state open government laws.

This is just a reaffirmation of what I've been saying for years:

It's time we stop tolerating the insolence of the Seminole nation. They are obstructing the need of the American public to hear what was said in that initial phone call reporting Anna Nicole Smith's emergency. This is a matter of imperative national interest, and the Seminole nation is withholding this information despite the public's demand for it. I call on President Bush to assemble a coalition of the willing to implement my four-point plan:

A) Quickly mobilize troops to invade the Seminole nation
B) Find the taped recording of the phone call
C) Annex the Seminole nation as a territory of the United States (no sense in giving those people full citizen status)
D) Appoint a Governor (I haven't started my internship yet) to make the transition to American democratic rule as seemless as possible
E) Investigate my assertion that I, in fact, am the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby. I miss it, and want custody immediately.

If President Bush fails to implement my plan, it may only be through the tabloid magazines, which will inevitably bribe a Seminole police officer with firewater and rum in exchange for a copy of that recording, to disclose what was said in that initial phone call. (Praise Jesus for the diligence of Star, the National Enquirer, Us Weekly, People and blogs such as TMZ.com, The Big Kipper).

Also, thank you to NBC affiliate WRCD of Washington, DC, which decided to lead off the evening news with this story, thus alerting me to its existence.

Let the trumpets sound!

2007-02-06T21:37:00.000-05:00

Victory!

Breaking news

2007-02-05T23:08:00.000-05:00

You just can't make this shit up...

I know it's wrong to laugh at this..... but you try not laughing

Republican Presidential Candidates - Could I be less Inspired?

2007-02-02T23:48:00.000-05:00

Only if Newt Gingrich was completely off the table.

Coloradopols.com has a poll asking who will be the next Republican candidate for President. Not who we would vote for, but who we think will win the nomination. Here was my comment. Comment as you will.

Oh yeah. Thank you Trotter for your awesome goal. Go DU!

I'm a completely uninspired Republican.
I voted for Romney, but would like to see someone less socially conservative. I think if the party goes that way, we are doomed.
I've watched Senator McCain, and he just looks old and tired. I really don't think he's going to be able to inspire any one to vote for him.
Giuliani, I'm a little unsure on. I really continue to think he couldn't win the primary, and have no idea what he stands for. I also think he has been too vocal in his attempt to support President Bush's foreign policy, and this will back fire if he makes it to the general.
I would like to see Mr. Gingrich out of any of the above listed, but don't think he will get enough of the "grassroots" support. I like that he has a lot of intelligent ideas and appears to have a positive vision for our country. I think he might be a real unifier if he were to be elected. Again, however, he rings a bit of the "past" for me, not the future. Old guy, white hair, etc.
I wish we could come up with someone new. A "counter-Obama", if you will. I'm not saying an "anti-Obama", but rather, someone who is as interesting and inspiring as he is, but with more substantive experience.

Filibuster

2007-02-02T18:05:00.000-05:00

The Republicans in the Colorado State Senate are in the middle of an attempt to filibuster a bill being taken to the floor. Kind of entertaining to listen to. I don't know much about the bill, but if you're interested in hearing more, check here, then click on "Colorado State Senate" under "Listen to the House and Senate Chambers."

They're attaching amendments to the bill, and are currently on Amendment 68 to the bill.

sooooooooo gay.....

2007-02-02T17:57:00.001-05:00

http://www.imjosh.com/?p=244

24

2007-01-29T22:32:00.000-05:00

Just a quick word of advice to the producers of 24:

Don't tell me the plot of next week's episode, even if this week's episode was a bit dry.

Thank you. I now know that Jack's brother orders his father and him to be killed, and that Jack and his father get away. Then Jack goes back and tortures his brother some more.

Why should I watch?

Recap

2007-01-27T00:03:00.000-05:00

#5 DU v. #4 St. Cloud

Now, I must publish the disclaimer that St. Cloud is only about 60 miles north of where my grandparents live in Sunburg, Minnesota. That being said, I hate the bastards and desire to watch them obliterated by those hardy frontier Pioneers.

The problem essentially comes down to the fact that Manino has been out with a pulled groin. Manino has missed the last two weeks, placing the burden for goalkeeping on Glenn Fisher, the senior. Don't get me wrong, Fisher kicks ass, as was proved last Friday against Minnesota, in Minneapolis, where Fisher ended the Gophers' 20+ home winning streak and became the first Pioneer to shut out Minnesota at home. However, Gwozdecky typically plays Fisher on Friday and Manino on Saturday, and Fisher is quite simply looking tired.

DU is not the offensive power house this year, with Ryan Dingle typically taking the reins as the leading play maker, and tonight was about par for what we've come to expect this season. Low scoring, but Denver had some good scoring opportunities and played aggressively in the offensive zone, something they did not do last weekend versus Minnesota on the Xcel Center's Olympic sized ice rink. It essentially came down to the first two goals which St. Cloud scored tonight (the first was on a stupid defensive zone turnover, the second on a power play, but both should have been stopped by Fisher, and would have been on a better night).

Additionally, our defensive line is missing the good old days of Max Bull and Connor James. We are average in our own zone, as evidenced by the following stat: 3 (count 'em, 3) defensive zone turnovers in the first period alone (vs. St. Cloud's one), which just gives the opponent too many unearned opportunities. Fisher overcame this weakness last Friday, making him the obvious MVP in Friday's game. He also showed some good moves in Saturday's game, and was a lot better than the Gophers' five goals would suggest.

In summary, Manino is tentatively scheduled to play tomorrow night. Let's hope he does and is 100%, and let's give Fisher some rest. Even with Manino back and at 100%, with the only average defense and low scoring offense, DU may never rise above it's #5 ranking this season.

What they'll say about me

2007-01-26T18:19:00.001-05:00

As soon as Crocs tanks, that is.

Ugliest.... Dog.... Ever!!!!!!!!

2007-01-26T17:35:00.000-05:00

I've just downloaded and installed Picasa, a free photo management and editing tool from Google. It's pretty cool. It automatically finds and sorts pictures on your hard drive, and then you can easily do basic editing stuff to it, and from there order prints, create screensavers, or yes, even blog about your pictures. Lafonda suggested that I blog about this picture. It's her sister (Shanaynay)'s dog Lola. It's an Australian Shepherd. It's ugly and not very nice. Not like my beautiful dogs.

In summary, get Picasa. Stay away from Lola.

Mark McGwire

2007-01-12T01:42:00.000-05:00

After numerous requests (no link here, since Flash only made verbal and e-mailed requests) for a review of the actual "Sports Guy" column on Mr. McGwire's first entrance onto the hall of fame ballot (and not the column by Jim Caple, as I previously reviewed) I will finally rise to the challenge.
So, here goes. For those of you who are too lazy to actually read the article (a whopping 0 percent of you since this blog has one reader who suggested this editorial's content), Simmons' basic argument is similar to Caple's: that temptation was too great, that everyone was hot on McGwire during those "glorious" years, and that punishing him now would be like pulling the rug from out underneath him after we bowed at the foot of it. Not fair, in other words.
By the way, that last metaphor clearly lacked the slightly disturbing drunk sexual innuendo of my last metaphor describing the euphoria found in the the sporting world during McGwire's Maris chase. Sorry folks, but I'm sober tonight.
Besides making fun of a dumbass reporter's quote ("Do it for the children! Won't someone think of the children?!?) which was good, Simmons' really does nothing good here, and point by point, here's why:

1. McGwire would be (has been) rejected by circumstantial evidence. By the way, I'm just going in chronological order here, so it's not my fault that the most important points aren't first. Sorry Bill, but this point doesn't hold water. Cooperstown isn't a courtroom, and the sportswriters aren't a jury. Reasonable doubt doesn't apply here, and voters are allowed to be subjective. We can look at McGwire, say that the doubling of body mass does not happen to normal people like that, and if that's enough to change a writer's mind, then that's OK. McGwire was given the opportunity to come out and say that his career was not enhanced significantly by steroids, and he refused. In the public courtroom, that's good enough for a conviction.
2. Nobody's perfect. He claims that our country is screwed up (ah ha! Simmons is unpatriotic too. sorry, but our country is perfect ... USA! USA! USA!), so let's not punish McGwire for it. Don't gloss over the bad, but let Cooperstown ...... ummmm..... I think he's saying let Cooperstown turn it into an educational experience. Easy enough: put a statue of Mark McGwire in front of Cooperstown, and let the plaque at the bottom read "Cheaters aren't allowed in the Baseball Hall of Fame." Simmons instead says that "for the children" we should let him in, then goes on to say that anbody would do the same thing to do their job better and earn more money. Then he says that McGwire isn't a poster boy for using roids. I'm not following what he just says. "Let McGwire in, then be honest with your kids and tell them that using steroids helped him do things he otherwise couldn't have done and made him lots more money than he otherwise would have, and then sit back and watch your kids figure out that using steroids is a bad idea." Sorry Simmons, but I don't think that's the lesson I'll be teaching my dogs any time soon.
3. He compares McGwire to Pete Rose. I'm so glad he does this, because it's a major mistake and one that he shouldn't make. Pete Rose got banned from baseball because he broke a rule - he gambled on sporting events while being employed in the MLB. It's against the rules, and so he was expelled from baseball. Rose was not accused of cheating to become the all-time hits leader. It's like comparing apples and...... oh, I don't know...... andro. They're not the same thing. Personally, I think Rose should be in the Hall of Fame for this reason (he didn't cheat to accomplish his legacy), but I also agree that I'm not the person who makes nor enforces the rules, and it's MLB's prerogative to keep him out.
4. Here, Simmons brushes with the best argument for letting McGwire in, but he doesn't quite get there (see below for that), so again I get to nail him. He goes the exact opposite direction once he gets close. McGwire's numbers were amazing; how can you not let him in? He broke Maris' single season record (shattered is more like it), hit close to 600 home runs, and he saved baseball after the '94 strike. The problem is, would he have accomplished these numbers without having used steroids? 245 home runs in four years? Did McGwire suddenly become the greatest home run hitter of all time for four years after having been merely a great hitter (you don't earn the moniker "Bash Brother" for doing nothing, as Jose Canseco would tell you). For example, say, Ken Griffey Jr., who was the greatest thing ever until he apparently drove off the side of the earth. Or is it possible that something else played a role in helping him take his 40-50 home run seasons to 58-70 home run seasons? If so, then these facts are useless.
5. "I'm not here to talk about the past" - Simmons uses this quote, and then says that McGwire appears contrite for his (Simmons uses the word potential) use. Never mind that he refuses to admit to any steroid use, nor that his apparent apologetic is like my dog when I leave the room and come back to find an empty package of hamburger on the door - looking guilty, but not the least bit sorry that she did it. What do I do when I encounter this situation? I smack the bitch.
6. Perry and Cobb comparison - again, he comes close but doesn't hit it. He only says that they're mean/cheaters, and they're in. Not to nitpick, but again, different situations. Cobb deliberately spiking players did not get him his hits. Perry admitted to doctoring the ball and didn't hide behind anybody.
7. Cheating in baseball isn't new. So we should just accept it and not punish it. This is another stupid point. He says that McGwire just proves that human beings will take advantage of every edge they can get. If that's the case, then why do we have rules? Why not just let athletes use performance enhancing drugs, corked (or hell, aluminum) bats and whole cans of Vaseline on their balls. Ha ha - I made a joke about lubricants on balls. The fact is, there are standards. Don't tell me to not go to Cooperstown if I don't want to see cheaters. I say don't go to the ballpark if you want to see cheaters.
Sure, Simmons says, put a disclaimer, but for God's sake, let McGwire in.
Here's the question that Simmons fails to ask that would be legit: Would McGwire have gotten in without using steroids? I could understand someone arguing that this is the best way to determine if we should let him in. But he doesn't ask it, because the answer is pretty equivocal. McGwire probably would have hit over 500 homers, which alone gets him into a club of 100% hall of famers. However, he only had about 1,600 hits in 16 seasons and a shameful .263 average. Would McGwire be voted in on those stats? Probably. And I would respect anyone who voted for him under that reasoning, though I would still disagree with it.
How about this one: Would McGwire have hit 70, or even 65, home runs in '98/'99 if he wasn't on steroids? The answer to this, I believe, is no. Without those two years, McGwire does not hold the most hallowed record in baseball. He's just a guy who swung for the fences every time he got up to the plate for 16 years. That is a pretty big asterik.*
So, there's my rambling discourse. It only took about an hour, so you better read the whole damn thing.

*Check out McGwire's career stats. Total hits: 1626. Total strikeouts: 1596. Total World Series rings: 1 (lost 2). Compare him with some of the other members of the 500 HR club. Willie Mays, Jimmie Fox, Mickey Mantle, Lou Gehrig. There are some differences.

Lessons Learned, Volume 14

2007-01-08T00:56:00.000-05:00

"Don't take drugs from strangers"
- Kip's mom, right for the first time ever.

I just got LASIK surgery done on my eyes, and as part of the recovery process, I was told I need to use rewetting, lubricating drops on a very frequent basis to help keep my eyes moist and speed and aid in the healing process. The doctor gave my some samples of Sastean (incorrect spelling I'm sure) and told me I could use basically in type of over-the-counter lubricating eyedrop. He did, however, recommend against Visine and one other popular type that I can't remember the name of.

He (actually this was one of the nurses) said that Visine contains a certain ingredient that the doctors don't like because it can cause dependency (not addiction, but recurrence of the symptoms). Basically, you use Visine because you have red eyes and it results in more red eyes. Kind of like whatever they say about Carmex (it contains fiberglass and actually cuts up your lips and forces you to use more)

Anyways, I told the lady that's cool, I'll just go and buy the type that they gave me samples of. She said this would be for the best.

Fast-forward three days.

I'm over at friends' house this afternoon, and run out of the sample drops. I am leaving and ask if there is a drugstore nearby because I need to pick some more up. The wife in my two-friend couple friend says she has some drops and why don't I just take them because nobody there uses them and they don't need them.

Excellent, I say with my cheap side coming out. I pop in a couple of drops and get in my car and leave.

Fast forward ten minutes. I start sneezing. That's weird.

Repeat approximately ten times and fast forward until ten minutes ago when the correlation finally occurs to me. Sample drops. Relief. New drops. Sneezing. Drops. Sneezing. Drops .... You get the idea.

The drops are called "equate" and contain the active ingredient "Tetrahydrozoline Hydrochloride," which is also an ingredient in Original Visine.

Merry Christmas Everyone

2006-12-22T20:11:00.000-05:00

Awwwwww...... my two favorite things:
Charlie Brown
and
ScrubsThe real spirit of the season!

use condoms!

2006-12-19T13:51:00.000-05:00

sorry lafonda. i changed my mind (again)

unmasking of the century

2006-12-06T12:04:00.000-05:00

Janet Jackson = that ape from Planet of the Apes.

See for yourself, and prepare to be shocked.

Something Stinks

2006-12-06T10:42:00.000-05:00

Bad aromas seem to be the rage in the news today. From the New York Times (my emphasis added):

December 6, 2006
City Sours on Cookie-Scented Ads
By JESSE McKINLEY
SAN FRANCISCO, Dec. 5 — Well, that’s the way the cookie-scented bus shelter crumbles.
A day after unveiling cookie-scented advertisements at five San Francisco bus stops, a milk lobbying group said Tuesday that it was pulling the fragrances out of the advertisements after several groups complained about the smell.
Molly Ireland, a spokeswoman for the California Milk Processor Board, said the idea was to get people thinking about cookies, and thus thinking about milk.
The test program, the first of its kind in the United States, involved placing small strips of chocolate chip cookie fragrance in bus shelters behind the board’s ubiquitous “Got Milk?” advertisements.
Ms. Ireland said the advertisements had been met with complaints by anti-fragrance groups, anti-allergy groups and anti-obesity groups. (No word on how the pro-cookie groups felt.) She said the San Francisco Municipal Transportation Agency had asked the advertising company that handled the shelters, CBS Outdoor, to remove the fragrance on Tuesday.
Maggie Lynch, a spokeswoman for the transportation agency, said the agency made the decision on Monday, just hours after the advertisements appeared in neighborhoods like Nob Hill and Union Square.
Ms. Lynch said the complaints were not the driving force for calling for the advertisements to be removed. “The overarching issue is process,” she said, adding that CBS Outdoor did not seek board review before putting its aromatic wares on the street.
Stephen Shinn, a vice president of CBS Outdoor, said they had used “good judgment” in accepting the scented advertisements, which he said used common household ingredients to create the smell.
Ms. Lynch emphasized that her agency was not “against cookies and milk,” adding, “If it were something else, we would take the same action.”
Ms. Ireland said her group was aware of the city’s vocal political constituencies.
“We wanted to go to the toughest market first,” Ms. Ireland said. “We knew if it works in San Francisco, it will work anywhere.”
Despite its short shelf life, Ms. Ireland said her company would pursue the cookie idea elsewhere. “We definitely think it’s innovative,” she said.
Carolyn Marshall contributed reporting.

And also, and far more entertaining, from the Boston Herald (this link wins because it's got the best headline; see other contenders below):
Woman’s tail wind downs jetliner
By Staff and wire reports
Wednesday, December 6, 2006 - Updated: 09:26 AM EST
NASHVILLE - In case of emergency . . . pull finger!
Flatulence brought down an American Airlines [AMR] flight early Monday. It is believed to be the first incident in which gastrointestinal gas has forced an emergency landing.
American Flight 1053 was enroute from Washington Reagan National Airport and bound for Dallas/Fort Worth, when alarmed passengers reported smelling struck matches, Lynne Lowrance, a spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority told the Tennesseean newspaper.
Despite the odoriferous menace, the plane landed safely. The FBI, Transportation Safety Administration and airport authority responded to the emergency, Lowrance said.
The passengers were taken off the plane with their luggage to go through security checks. Bomb-sniffing dogs found the matches. Astute FBI agents managed to identify and question a passenger who admitted she struck the matches to conceal a body odor issue caused by a medical condition. The flight took off again, but the woman was not allowed back on.
“American has banned her for a long time,” Lowrance said. It is unclear whether she intends to create a stink over the ban. She was not charged although it is illegal to strike a match in an airplane.

Other good headlines:

Her seat in first-gas section KOs flight (New York Daily News)
One fart is all it takes to land a plane... (South Africa's Independent Online)
A stinky flight (Orlando Sentinel)
Gust of wind forces jet to make emergency landing (Cape Argus, again of South Africa)
Air pressure was fine, but they still wanted the masks (St. Petersburg Times)

Any other suggestions? Comment below.....

Trouble in Bollywood

2006-12-05T10:59:00.000-05:00

Since the recent shift in focus of the Big Kipper, here I have breaking news from Bollywood:

The most beautiful woman in the world is in trouble for kissing a man in a movie. Yikes.

Anyways, all you care about is her, so here is the most shocking image in the history of Indian film:

Wow. India is one boring country.

wow. this is worse than i thought

2006-12-01T00:09:00.000-05:00

sorry flash, but bill simmons is a fucking idiot.

In proving that you are an idiot if you don't believe Mark McGwire belongs in the Hall of Fame, Simmons makes the assertions that:

1. Because every great in the past must have taken some sort of performance enhancing drugs, we must not only accept but endorse this course of action

2. well, i can't state it more clearly than Simmons' attempt at sarcasm:
You disregard McGwire's home run totals, because he reached them with the help of steroids in an era in which offensive stats were greatly inflated. You also hold as sacred the offensive statistics compiled by Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Rogers Hornsby and others during an era when black and Latino competitors were banned from the game.
Yes, Bill Simmons just compared the effects of steroids to black and latino athletes. No you dumbshit. I know that, as a matter of course, most people believe that black people are far superior at basketball. I also know that, at the gym last night, I ran into some eastern european who was AT LEAST 7'6".... he dwarfed those guys from high school. However, I also know that, when Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig and Roger Hornsby played, the center of the baseball was not shoved full of cork, the bats were not designed by engineers to ensure maximum "pop," and the players often obtained off-season jobs just to survive with those damned minorities, who use their natural talent at the game instead to win, instead of drawing $10.75 million every year (as the Twins' disgrace (a black man) Tory Hunter {someone who has not quite achieved the stats of Mark McGwire}). Don't give me some sort excuse that McGwire's life is so hard that he had to take steroids just to keep up. Any sport that wants to make excuses for cheating athletes can kiss my ass, and then hear me say "I hope my shit tasted good, because that's all you're getting from me."

OK now I'm done.

continuing the train of thought

2006-11-30T23:49:00.000-05:00

let's talk about baseball - it's more important than this other shit, anyways

Bill Simmons, suck my dick.

I say anyone who can't answer a question about whether they did steroids or not shoudn't be in the Hall of Fame. Two reasons:

1. My panties weren't wet back in 99. If yours were, it's because you were lying there with your eyes closed while McGwire pounded it home.

2. McGwire's refusal to answer th e fucking question isn't based on protecting his beliefs. I can't believe that I actually have to explain this to you you fucking idiot, but the Constitution protects you if your stated ideology opposes your interpretation of said Constitution, not if you clearly violate federal law (which I'm assuming prohibits the use of steroids). If you didn't violate federal law, then say so. I don't believe for half a fucking second that you're protecting other unjustly accused alleged steroid users of the future by rejecting the question because you reject the premise because you just care that much. Don't get high and mighty on me. At the very least, even if Mark McGwire was trying to prevent a Salem steroid hunt from taking place, he should at the very least be willing to condemn the illegal act of steroid use.

If he won't do that, lock him out of Cooperstown. I want to go there some day, and I don't want to read a pussy faced exhibit about how Mark McGwire was never proved to have used steroids. This isn't federal court; you have to prove you're innocent. I'm the judge and jury, and right now you look guilty.

I know Lafonda won't state her opinion, so what do you say Flash?

frame of thought

2006-11-30T23:09:00.000-05:00

OK, we're going to keep to main topics tonight....

So, Lord of the Rings.....

One of the greatest things about Tolkien was (obviously) his insight. Tolkien wrote an epic, one of the greatest, about saving the world from evil. Tolkien wrote poetry, and it was natural to him. OK back on track.

The conclusion of the Lord of the Rings epic was the return home by the hobbits. The hobbits came home to find that none of their kin realized what they had done. Merry and Pippin came riding into town on kingly horses sporting royal armor, and everyone looked at them like "who the fuck do you think you are you?" Without Merry and Pippin, Middle Earth would have been destroyed. But no one back home knew it.

God bless Merry and Pippin.

another (semi) celebrity lookalike

2006-11-30T11:55:00.000-05:00

Since my post about the Pope really being a former James Bond villain (everyone knows that Bond killed a clone of Ernst Stavro Blofeld in the opening scene of For Your Eyes Only, just like when Bond thought he killed him in Diamonds Are Forever, I have had an uproar of response asking for more unmasking of powerful people. With that, I give you the next installment.

It has been speculated in other forums (and here) that Colorado Governor Bill Owens is actually Sheriff Woody from Disney/Pixar's Toy Story and Toy Story 2, as well as a host of other Toy Story knock-offs. In fact, what I reveal here today is that Governor Owens is not, in fact, Sheriff Woody, but Buzz Lightyear.

Dost thou protest? See for yourself:

Cheesy smile, arched eyebrows, and, most tellingly, the pronounced cleft in the chin. If you have any further doubts, check-out Owens' half-human, half-cyborg performance at the 2004 Republican National Convention (skip to about mark 16:30 to see Owens; otherwise enjoy George Pataki, Bob Taft and Don Evans as well).

Wait a second - that's just Owens at a press conference about the President's economic agenda. If anyone has a video link to Owens' nighttime speech to the entire convention, please post it. Anyone? Anyone? Here's the transcript. Anyways, you can still get the idea if you forward to about time point 17:10 of that clip. His circuits are definitely starting to short.

Now that I have established "Owens'" true identity, you might ask, "Why the cover-up? Why not just run for Colorado Governor as Buzz Lightyear?" Good question. I'll leave that for the pundits and cable news talking heads to debate. I just present the facts.

Pope = Ernst Stavro Blofeld?

2006-11-28T12:08:00.000-05:00

Was talking with Flash last night, and the subject of the Pope, Muslims, missile defense and other topics of international intrigue came up.
Since the topic of the Pope's visit to Turkey is in the news today, I thought I'd bring up an interesting fact. Can we really trust a guy who looks like the twin brother of a villain in a James Bond movie? Or, could it be that Charles Gray didn't really die in 2000, but rather went underground and re-emerged as a Catholic Cardinal who will build a space-based laser and use it to exploit the world's nuclear superpowers? You be the judge.

2006-11-27T16:31:00.000-05:00

Rumsfeld Gets Cute At The Podium

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

2006-11-21T13:14:00.000-05:00

In the continuing interest of increasing advertising revenues from the website, a new poll was put to the field by the big kipper today.

Results from the poll will dramatically affect the focus and content of the blog for future readers.

Read below to participate:

$3,750

2006-11-20T11:53:00.000-05:00

that's how much upward movement i've missed out on the microsoft options i sold out of a few weeks ago.

here's another figure for you:

$1,600

that's how much i've lossed on crox options i bought a few weeks ago.

excuse me while i go vomit.

Congratulations, Santana

2006-11-16T14:59:00.000-05:00

A big congratulations to Johan Santana - second AL Cy Young award of his career. As mentioned before, Santana had an outstanding season, and was let down bigtime by his teammates who couldn't back him (or Boof) up in the postseason.

Of note was that Joe Nathan, the Twins outstanding closer, also received three third-place votes. Impressive showing!

Poll (Updated)

2006-11-12T23:06:00.000-05:00

Now that we've given people a reason to come to the site, I'd like to reconduct my previous poll. Please vote below:

the most beautiful woman in the world

2006-11-10T09:41:00.000-05:00

there. that should do it. according to CBS, Aishwarya Rai, Queen of Bollywood (wtf?) is the world's most beautiful woman. based upon CBS' stellar reputation as the most reliable journalism in the world, i figured this is a no-brainer.

so now, visitors to the big kipper will have two reasons to visit this site:

1) continue reading the "random thoughts from my head"

2)

excellent.

Poll

2006-11-09T11:52:00.000-05:00

In order to gauge traffic on the the big kipper blog, in accordance with advertisement agreements and for regular statistical analysis, i am conducting a poll to gauge how many people will answer the following question. also, statistics gained from the poll from will be used to evaluate visitors level of enthusiasm for the site. please vote only once. please note that this poll is anonymous and will be used for research purposes only. no personal information is requested or collected.*
with that out of the way, poll away!

*alternatively, this is actually a way for me to collect personal information to sell to spammers. you would do it to if you shorted crocs three weeks ago.

Lessons Learned, Volume 14

2006-11-09T11:38:00.000-05:00

in the interest of public safety, i must advise everyone to throw away your crocs and cease and desist purchasing any more. again, this is only in the best interest of every small child's toes. if you purchase crocs, you are purchasing severed toes. no we can only hope that crocs stock will drop to zero value (in the interest of public safety i tell you)

Crocs urges escalator safety as child loses toe
Wed Nov 8, 2006 10:19pm ET

By Wee Sui Lee
SINGAPORE, Nov 9 (Reuters) - Crocs Inc. (CROX.O: Quote, Profile, Research), maker of the hugely popular crayon-coloured rubber clogs, has called for better escalator safety after a Singapore child lost a toe when its imitation clog was caught in a moving stairway.
On Saturday, 2-year-old Chong Shiyr's right big toe was ripped off in a Singapore mall after her rubber clog -- an imitation of a Croc shoe -- got stuck between the escalator gap and the side wall, the toddler's mother told Reuters.
Her toe was found nearly three hours later but could not be reattached as it was too badly damaged.
"Crocs shoes are completely safe. The popularity of our shoes has helped draw attention to a long-existing issue that we think is very important -- escalator safety," Crocs Public Relations Manager Tia Mattson said in a statement emailed from the United States early on Thursday.
"Escalators and moving sidewalks, particularly those that have not received proper care and maintenance, can be dangerous and pose risks to their riders," Crocs added.
The accident is the latest involving rubber clogs and escalators. On Oct. 5, ABC News reported there had been several similar incidents in the United States.
Singapore daily The Straits Times published a letter from a parent who said her 2-year-old son's Crocs sandal was "chewed in half" by an escalator. He escaped with a bruised toe.
Toh Chin Chuan, director of Unilift Components, which supplies safety equipment for escalators, told Reuters that rubber footwear was more likely to be caught in escalators than shoes made of sturdier materials.
Toh said accidents involving rubber clogs and escalators were "quite common".
© Reuters 2006. All Rights Reserved.

You read it here first. If you love your child, your toes, or your child's toes DO NOT BUY CROCS SHOES!

2006-11-07T12:14:00.000-05:00

Take That, Faith Hill!

This is pretty entertaining. Watch Faith Hill's reaction. I'm not sure what Faith Hill has done this year to deserve an award, but I do know that every time I hear Carrie Underwood singing "Jesus, take the wheeeee-eeeee-eeeeeee-l, Take it from my haaaaaaaaaands" or "Don't forget to remember ...... mee--eeeeeee-eeee" I immediately change the radio station. That's not country music, it's just crap. Faith Hill's reaction was correct, even if she didn't deserve the CMA.

it starts! (maybe)

2006-11-02T11:11:00.000-05:00

and earnings are announced today. time to make kip some $!

why do i always lose money after saying that?

Bloatalution of the Girdled Ham

2006-10-25T15:34:00.000-05:00

I was flipping through the New York Times (and I mean flipping as fast as I could) and ran across an article by Tom Friedman. Friedman, as most of my readers know, is a best-selling author and columnist for the New York Times. He writes about capitalism and free-markets, and, what’s that one thing? Globalution? Yeah that’s it.

Anyways, I first heard of Friedman early in college, maybe an econ class or something, when he wrote his book The Lexus and the Olive Tree which deals a lot with the rise of globalization and its resulting integration of world financial markets. Then sometime in the last couple of years he wrote another book…… what’s it called? Ahhh yes – The World is Flat. I don’t know what that one’s about. From all of the critical acclaim that the books have received, I thought they must be an interesting read and so Lafonda bought both for me for my birthday (August 1). I started reading Lexus and got about half way through it and stopped when classes started in September because I honestly just don’t have the time – I’m planning on picking it up over Christmas maybe.

Anyways, my point is, while the book is certainly interesting, Friedman’s got the enormously annoying habit of being condescending to his readers and simplifying things down a bit much. It works well in newspaper columns, because you’re trying to explain a ton of information in a short two-inch by nine-inch column.

Friedman’s method of simplifying things is to give everything he ever saw in his life a really stupid name, i.e. the Electronic Herd (which is what he calls the collective group of individuals who manage their own portfolios online). He uses these cute little nicknames to try and make things memorable and intuitive so you know how to respond, but in a 500-page book about globalization it just gets a little annoying when he introduces a new “phenomenon that I like to call (he uses that phrase to introduce every one of these stupid names) the Pachydermical Cross-Borderers” five times every chapter. This is why he has books called The Lexus and the Olive Tree, which is of course a cute analogy for something he observed in his years as a reporter. After a while you’re sitting there reading phrases like “The Globagrizzlies didn’t understand the Red Tide of Integradulation was going to come and so they failed to upgrade their Societal Operating Software from Marxism 0.5 to Capitalism 6.0 version 8 in time for the higher bandwidth required by Economintercoagulation.”

After reading that, I’m sitting there thinking to myself, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? And then I’m reminded of the scene from Swingers at the bar where you’re like what the hell is Vince Vaughn talking about?

And then I think about that hot chick sitting at the bar in Swingers and I am happy again.

Ask for a Second Opinion?

2006-10-25T09:49:00.000-05:00

From Reuters:

A view of the Arak heavy-water project, 120 miles southwest of Tehran, August 26, 2006. Iran has installed a second cascade for uranium enrichment and will start injecting UF6 uranium gas into it this week, Iran's student news agency reported on Wednesday. REUTERS/ISNA/Handout

Now, I'm no nuclear scientist, but it looks to me like the Iranians are just looking to have a kegger, not enrich uranium. And that, my friends, is definitely not against international law.

Please, a little respect....

2006-10-20T14:13:00.000-05:00

Flash sent me this, apparently in a ploy for pity:
http://finance.yahoo.com/q/op?s=GOOG
You see, he was going to buy 450 Oct 05 calls yesterday before earnings were announced. Of course, he did not, and Google opened at about 460 this morning, up from yesterday's ~425 closing.
Apparently, he wants pity, which I think means he really wants a recap of Kip's all-time greatest hits:

http://finance.yahoo.com/q/op?s=MSFT&m=2007-01
Bought Jan 07 29.50 calls at .15, sold at .30, now they're at .65.

Huh? What's that you say? Quit my bitching - I still made money? Ohhhh....... you need examples of moves I made in which I didn't make money? Let's see what we can do. Here's when I was too chicken shit to buy Netflix (almost invested $500 in October 2002):

I still wake up in cold sweats asking myself why I didn't hit the damn "Submit Order" on that one. Next:

That's the last time I ever take advice from a ...... well you know who gave me the advice Flash. next, Tivo's a great stock right?:

then my latest genius move:

The date I SHORTED Crocs was the day I was also considering BUYING Chipotle, which had been getting beaten up:

So, please, a little respect for I am Kip, lord of the idiots. (if anyone has a link to costanza's clip from seinfled, posting it here would be appropriate)